Posted

Mar 22nd 2005

Mood

Miserable

Music

Star Ocean: Til the End of Time - Chrysanthemum in Winter

How much simpler it has gotten to reduce me to tears... I think these are going to be some of the most miserable months of my existence, as well as the slowest. Thus far, my life has begun to slip into a steady decline, where it becomes more and more difficult just to bother getting out of bed.

Perhaps this sounds pathetic, though with my horribly racked mind, it's one of the few processes to produce something that seems appealing nowadays, what with my mother having suddenly become a tyrant in her determination to rule me. It's even more a wreck after the massive fiasco to transpire yesterday (Sunday), which resulted in my cursing my so-called mother, leaving a dent in my floor from a daito's tip, and a jumbled rant longer than an entire page.

Amidst it all, my creativity has turned to crap, kind of like my schooling did a few years ago, though unlike things relating to what the government wants, I've found this most recent development to be far more dire. Like my sources of entertainment, and my love, my creativity assists in sustaining my sanity. Once that is gone, like said means of entertainment, I will have but one thing left, and I'm afraid that our usual once/twice a weekend visits won't be enough to hold off my insanity for long.

My creative mind is my sanctuary when I have access to nothing else, and this sudden drive to cram my nose so deep into the books it cannot be extracted is beginning to damage it. I know not how long it will be before the purity of my inner refuge becomes corrupted, which would render it useless. This I fear, as irrational as it may seem, just like I fear the possibility of mine and Lance's separation, considering the amounts of threats that have been piled on top of me.

All of it for school work long past due, works that my teachers prefer I ignore to keep up with my current assignments. But no, the despot can't think to listen to them, of course not! That would be too simple! So instead she tries to cram them down my throat at a pace much too quick for me to handle. As a result, I am penalized to an excess, which only worsens my disposition.

My health has already deteriorated. I've gotten much more tired, my nausea much more frequent and powerful, headaches even moreso, and pretty soon my hair will start to fall out again. Why did I have to be so goddamned sensitive to stress?