Posted

Dec 10th 2009

Mood

Melancholy

( I do realize no ones paying attention but you Cheese, but you don't have to read this if you don't want. There are things in here I want you to hear, but you're under no obligation to hear them, I just need a place to vent my feelings so they don't overwhelm me. I'm sick of crying and nose stuffing. )


I'm gonna be alone and miserable the rest of my life with only maybe one or two days a week being happy, fact.

I'm gonna keep trying to break Cheese's steel trap like constitution about this breakup and get back with her even though it may never work, fact.

I'm gonna have to live for the sake of others, even if it makes me miserable at least it makes them happy, fact.

I figured out that I'm a lover, not in the sense that I'm in relationships, no, I'm a lover in the sense that I do everything for everyone I care about with no expectations of anything in return.

But this in turn makes me miserable most days, because I live for the sake of my family, getting a job for the sake of my family. It doesn't make me happy... it really doesn't (fact)

Working for the sake of a family I'll create or for someone who beyond all reason loves me for me and wants to be with me... that would make me happy.

I had that for 7 years and even though I wasn't the model boyfriend and she wasn't the model girlfriend, we were good together.

We hardly had fights and when we did, when I did something that made me a bad boyfriend I changed for her, I changed every part of my being for Cheese' love and in the end lost it and now the person I became for her isn't good enough for anyone else.

This time away from her has taught me not to live for the sake of doing things with her every single day and if we did get back together I wouldn't be as needy as I once was.

I have my broadcasts to do that.

I have my broadcasts and the people who watch it and spend time with me to make me happy when she isn't available.

But it doesn't work when we're broken up.

My life would be ideal if I was working towards this work goal, while broadcasting and spending some time with my girlfriend. It would be the perfect life to me right now.

But it figures that when one amazing thing enters my life, another amazing thing spirals down the toilet and dissapears.

I lose Cheese, I gain a massive fanbase with lots of people who like to be around me and I get to play games all day and never be alone while I do so.

I have a feeling maybe if I gain Cheese back, I'll lose the ability to cast much and I won't be able to hold my fans and that'd be it... I'd be happy with that though, but if I could have Cheese, casting, friends, games, fun while I worked towards a job with plenty of money to save my family and support my wife ... I'd be in heaven, there's no other simple terms for it.

But, alas, it seems that I can't have my perfect life. I can only have some of the things in my "perfect" life plan with sadness every time I think about having her not love me anymore which is seemingly getting worse.

I can't stand the picture lying to me (love you and always will, just words now. ), I can't stand the fluffy dog plushii I got, I can't stand the plaque she gave me that she made for our first Kitty "Sunny" ... I'm probably not going to rip them up or destroy them but they're a sad reminder of what I lost that I'm definitely getting them out of sight at least.

It's like holding onto a little piece of something hoping it'll come back and that little piece will mean something positive again.

But its hard to wait for such a thing, its hard on just me.

I'm tired of being sad, I'm fricken tired of it, but it's all I have most days.

For the past couple days its been hard to eat or get excited about anything, I sat moping for about a day and a half staring at the ceiling or doing something with a frown on my face (like laundry and shit)

I tell you and yes I know its horrible, but if I wasn't trapped in this life of mine I'd end it.

Life doesn't seem to be happy ... not for long ... I've had too much happiness stripped away from me for no reason to see the lighter side of things ... nothing good for you lasts, it all goes away eventually. If I even got into another relationship, they'd just leave me anyway, it's only a matter of time.

And if that makes you happy to call me a pussy or emo, fine, whatever you wanna call me to feel more pleasant about yourself when another human being is suffering for one reason or another.

That's what I don't like about that term, its meant to be for whining kids who have everything in the world they could want, but don't seem to see the beauty in it purposefully whining about their lives when its small menial things. I truly don't have everything in the world I could want, because I don't have Cheese too. Heh, it all comes down to her doesn't it? Somewhere she became the ultimate thing I want, like the glue holding my perfect life together and I keep trying to squeeze the tube to get more out.

And I know she likes to think she's not worth it, but apparently she is if she has me pining for her everyday.