Posted

Nov 22nd 2009

Mood

So I've like anyone else who pays a bit of attention to recent media have heard about Paranormal Activity, hell I'll go one step farther and say I've heard good things about Paranormal Activity.

Spindly, a friend of mine who rolls a half-orc druid/barbarian, went so far to say it scared the shit out of him - so this had me genuinely interested. If nothing else it's always nice to know how much it takes to scare the crap out of any single one of your friends.

So I went into this, not expecting the world but at least for a good, genuine scare which would hopefully remain at least somewhat after the movie had ended.

So let me start by saying the movie isn't bad.
In fact compared to most horror that's been coming out of Hollywood, being remakes of older horror movies with less impact and sequels with ever increasing numbers attached to the end of the title, it's pretty good.
However saying something is good because it compares favorably to something bland in some cases and downright awful in others - dosn't fare terribly well on my conscious as a honest reviewer. (I don't know why I'm calling myself a honest reviewer, It's not like I do this as a living or really even as a hobby. In fact I think I'd be more qualified as a deceitful reviewer because then at least there would be the potential of being paid off to say something favorable about it)

So looking at it on the only ground you really can look at it, on it's own two legs, or rather tripod - I have to get this out of the way and say at least they used the camera decently.

Instead of using shaky hand-held cam they put the thing up on a tripod and set it to record footage of spooky shit going on around the room. (because there really is only one room constantly being filmed.) Honestly this isn't a bad choice, simply because the genre in question (lost-film pseudo-documentaries) is usually used to -avoid- seeing the thing in question and in fact when push comes to shove and the camera was taken off of it's magnificent three legged friend several times they just put the camera down.

I won't go so far to say they did this alike any normal human would, because that would be a slight degradation to humanity in general, not much of one mind you.

So let me go ahead and get my qualms with the movie out of the way now that I'm done sucking it's tripod.

So the movie starts innocently enough, a couple have a new house and they buy a camera to catch spooky shit going on in it. The boy is a dense skulled idiot and the girl is a twit but that's expected in horror because anyone with any shred of survival instinct left intact wouldn't be in slack-jawed awe when spooky shit does in fact go on, but in increasing severity at that - and instead would flee the house if nothing else to make the damn thing chase them around the block once or twice.

And I call him a idiot in all good faith, I'm honestly trying not to spoil things but when the entity in question has started to get the ability to physically hurt people - it's generally a good idea to stop taunting it alike you have throughout the entire film and instead just admit you're not in control of the situation, and SEEK HELP INSTEAD OF TRYING TO LULL YOUR GIRLFRIEND INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

Also showing her a video of a possessed girl gnawing off her arm probably isn't going to make her feel safe and secure in your arms. (unless she starts gnawing at them maybe)

But besides Captain Macho there really isn't much to complain about the movie - Admittedly he consumes about 70% of the film and every time he opens his mouth to suggest they calm down you want to punch him for it.

Maybe it's because I actually look though haunting like this and generating evidence like they did consistently though the movie in a few nights would get the friendly men at TAPS raging hardons, because things like it just don't exist.

Flickering Lights, Moving Doors, and someone Knocking on the Walls.
If these things make you afraid to sleep at night, this movie will keep you wide awake with white-knuckled terror as you gaze into the maw of that which is Cthulhu in his sunken city of R'leyeh and ... sorry, I seem to have gone off into a tangent there.

Consistency is the key here, things are going bump in the night repetitively for several nights in a row, and it keeps getting worse as the boyfriend keeps doing stupid things to taunt the entity. Worse yet as his girlfriend is rightly freaking out - he goes on about how cool it is. Honestly I can't feel fault for his fate because obviously he was not fit for survival.

It was bland is what I'm saying. I kept track, half a hour into it and the best they gave us was a door opening slightly ... and closing slightly ... SPOOKY.

While I know it's a low budget flick ($15,000) I just really can't help but feel it's almost more fitting of a parody of things alike Ghost Hunters, simply because I swear to you they cover EVERY cliche in the book.

The girl haunted from her childhood, the bonehead boyfriend makeing things consistently worse and refusing help, -all- of the ghostly phenomenon, and the ending. From start to finish it just felt like a playbook of spooky stories to tell around the campfire.

In closing, It's not a bad movie, it's just mediocre as hell. If you're dead set on seeing it, I'd suggest at least waiting for the DVD, as apparently there are several endings as well which would hopefully be added content. In the same vein if you MUST see a horror film RIGHT NOW, go to blockbuster and rent a better one you dunce - ok ok, in theaters? This would probably be your best bet - as I have serious doubts at to Saw VIs quality. (I will probably see it anyway, but then I view Saw as a sort of joke as to 'this is what horror has sunk to' and miss Freddy Kruger (PLEASE don't remind me they're remaking that, I'm trying desperately to forget))

Incidentally, if someone could point me to the movie Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly saw when he said
"Paranormal Activity scrapes away 30 years of encrusted nightmare clichés"
I would be much obliged, as apparently I saw the other-world bizzaro version.