Posted

Oct 6th 2009

Mood

for those who are going to nag at me at the end of this journal and having nothing good to say (you people know who you are) just don't comment

the fact I'm sick of is getting pissed at small stuff...it already ruined my last relationship and I'm afraid its going to ruin the one I'm in now as well...
...always when that special person puts my nose on the facts I get scared and depressed...and then I don't wanna say I'm scared and depressed out of fear that they think I'm nagging...
I try to change...really I do....but...somehow something happens and I go like:
"*snaps* FRUSTRAAAATIOOOON." And its mostly frustration that builds up from previous days...mostly I only get pissed at small stuff...what? once in a while?...idk...I blame my therapy for it...cause its the stuff I do that lets loose these kind of things....and I blame myself mostly....I never vent it out on something enough....
I can't talk to my mom...cause she then nags that will get me more frustrated
I can't talk to my bro...cause he will just make me more frustrated by not caring
I can't talk to my stepdad...cause he just doesn't know what to do...
I can't talk to my boyfriend...cause I don't wanna come out as a nagging person...again...

like right now...he (bf) putted my nose on the cold hard facts and said that even he (a pretty laid back person if you know what I mean) gets annoyed by this.
that scares me right there....and I say to sorry to much....
I really want to change...I just don't know...
I am terrified of loosing him...cause the last time I lost someone so precious to me...I really wanted to die...I literally made plans for my own death.
car accident, (not so) accidental poisoning, jumping...I even made plans for my funeral, the music and such...
I never did end it that as you all can see...I'm scared of dieing as well....
...I should stop this journal before it gets to long...