Posted

Sep 15th 2009

Mood

Empty

Music

Voices by Yoko Kanno

...like some where along the way you have lost your purpose?

I write this now not for pity or as a way to grab attention, for I am rather sure that few if any shall ever read this. No, this is for my own selfish need to write my personal thoughts down in a place where my real life friends and family will never notice. This has become my last sanctuary, unblemished by the toils of my life. Well until I wrote this that is. If I may for a moment wail my sorrows to the ethernet, even if it is only I myself whom shall take the time and thought to read this.

Now then back to the original message that I started with, I have lost my purpose in everything. Or mostly every thing that is, but for the moment let us assume that I have no purpose. Going along this thought as person with out a purpose is not really a being worth living is it? I will take a moment to explain again this is not for pity or attention, merely to write myself out in plain tangible thoughts. While I could consider upon hours the lament of death by my own hand I can not commit to the act for the sake of my mother. She has no one else you see, and I would hate to put her through such heart ache as that.

Now then by this point I would expect that the one or two that would read this will have stopped from all the sicking self pity, I would congratulate them for this, I would do the very same.

This leave me to my own thoughts yet again. Is it really that selfish to wish to put an end to everything and have a long and ever lasting rest? If I could I would, If I could I would roll over and pass on to the great nothing that awaits us all. Yes I may be an atheist of sorts. I have tried many religions but none ever struck a cord of truth with in me, you can hate me now all you like, I really don't care any more. Its it really strange to just stop caring about the world around you? To be in but not of the masses? I Believe so, bringing me back around from useless rambling to my original point yet again.

You know I entered college with such hope, and now I feel like an empty husk. A shadow of what I once was. Oh yes, you may say that my art has improved and that I draw a lot of happy things, so of course I must really be happy. But in truth I draw the happy creatures for the sake of others. A mask of my empty wanderings so that they may not know. All about me they are still excited about the careers or futures they are building, when I am asked I have no real expectations of myself. So why am I selling my soul to the loan companies? Because it is expected of me by my family, friends, home to do so and become some great person. Stupid thing to do isn't it? To make my own personal hell every day so that I can please those around me.

I've always done that. I will suffer so that they can be happy. I'll cry my tears on the inside and never shed one for them to see. But lately my mask, it is breaking from the flood so I must renew it some how, and in my vanity I can not burden one of my friends with this, thus I write it you whom ever read this. Because I do not know you I can drop my mask, at least momentarily. Even though I shall attempt a rebuild of my mask through long and pointless sentences and words that have no meaning to either of us. I am a very selfish and self serving person I must admit.

I believe this to be the end of my monologue lament of a journal. You can hate me, and you should, after all I practically never upload anything to this site, and have no real closeness to any one here. So you shouldn't care about one voice among many.

.. And yet, and yet I can still cling to one slight hope. I'm greedy like that....