Posted

Jul 9th 2009

Mood

Restless

Y'know, the events of today have kinda been an eye opener for me...

Video game development... An Tenuous love of mine for the last several years, awakened in me during college during my digital media classes when I made my first functional Flash game.. Since graduating I've tried numerous times in numerous ways to make a full scale game.. Independant projects, game modding in things like Unreal Tournament, various ideas... Aside from a couple lackluster UT2k4 maps, It's gone absolutely nowhere... Nothing but frustration and failure.

Why?... Game development is a BEAST, SOOO much planning, SOOO much work.. Believe me, if you haven't attempted it yourself you have NO concept of how rediculously complicated it is.. Creating game assets such as character models, textures, environments, sprites from scratch.. All that ALONE is a full time job and not easily done in between other things. That doesn't take into account programming, audio, gameplay design, something I don't even tackle myself anymore since pretty much abandoning Flash, I partner up with friends to get help with that. And even THEN it's too much work..

Hell, 3D modeling in general has become a MASSIVE frustration to me... So much intricate work and preparation goes into it for ONE simple object.. To the point that I think I'm beginning to lose any desire to do it further..

What made me think of all this? A rather... Frustrating.. Conversation between myself and two friends. (You can reveal yourselves if you so choose, you know who you are)
Basicly, both want to be lead programmer, and I want to make both happy, but... That's just not feasible.. In any project there can only be one lead programmer, or no lead and have it be an entirely colaborative effort.. Suffice it to say this has been a matter of some difficulty that has yet to be resolved..
THAT matter aside, for the hell of it I started tinkering with a model idea for the tentative idea currently on the table, sitting there playing with it... I realized I.. Wasn't at all enjoying doing it... I. WASN'T. ENJOYING. IT.... There was a time I'd spend HOURS working on 3D models, and loved every second of it.. Now the magic feels like it's, gone.. Just, GONE..

Which brings me to my current line of thought... Do I even want to TRY anymore?... Should I just, give up? STOP with all this piddling bullshit and time wasting for so little reward, and no enjoyment?

If I did I could focus on many other much easier pursuits in life.. My art, music, perhaps taking up writing?.. Resume working on my handmade crafts.
I could get so much more done with my life if I just tossed this rediculous obsession with a fruitless technological "art form" in the trash, and moved on to simpler, more peaceful things.

I honestly don't bloody well know... I REALLY don't.. If I never touched a program like Maya or xNormal again, I'd be tossing 2 years of training in the trash with it.. But what point is there to doing it if I don't really enjoy it anymore?..

I have much to think about..