Posted

Feb 22nd 2009

Well, well, well, well, well...

I have finally had the (dis)pleasure of viewing the latest Batman film otherwise known as the "Dark Knight." Those who have mentioned this film around me have, I will admit, been forced to endure my opinionated statements that Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in this film was a travesty, an insult to one of the greatest comic book villains of all time and, dare I say it, an insult to the Toon Way of Life (trademark, pat. pending). Naturally, I was met at all angles with reactions of incredulous shock to lofty smirks of the greatest smugness telling me that I simply "didn't understand," that Mr. Ledger's "brilliant re-imagining" of the classic supervillain couldn't be solely judged on the advertisements alone, and that to properly critique his portrayal I must view the film in its entirety.

Fair enough, I assumed. Perhaps I did have it wrong. It really isn't fair to judge a project solely on its advertising campaign (despite the fact that's what everyone else did who immediately claimed the new Joker was "awesome" after seeing the ads, but I digress). So, I sat down with my friend's copy of the DVD last week and finally watched the "Dark Knight"... and was filled with righteous indignation at what a horrific mockery this film was! Not only of my favorite supervillain ever, but of the entire comic book genre in general!

"Oh come now, Matt! Was it really that bad? Certainly, millions of happy moviegoers can't be wrong!" To that, I say bite me! Bite my flabby, hairy keister and bite it HARD! They can indeed be wrong and I'll tell you how! In five easy steps! Now, my memory isn't perfect and I probably should have reviewed this film immediately after watching it, but I needed a few days to let the bile in my throat simmer down to a gentle boil.

So, without further ado, here then, is my slapdash review of the Dark Knight, done with as much thought as I'm sure was given to this movie's production.

Our film begins with good ol' Bats busting up some drug deal, only to be tripped up by a pair of goons wanting to do their local vigilante proud by imitating their hero, donning their own Batman costumes, and, you guessed it! Failing miserably! Hey, guys, here's a hint. If you want to be a superhero, you should probably work off that beer gut first. Though, sadly, the fat kid imitating Batman did a much better job of pretending to be the titular Dark Knight than Christian Bale did. I say this because Chubby's Batman voice was believably lowered to be disguised whereas every line Bale growled out sounded as though he were attempting to devour his own larynx. Also, the imposter, while out of shape, at least had a somewhat square jaw. Everybody knows that Batman has a square jaw! He's one of the iconic brick-headed superheroes of yore, so why in the name of Bob Kane do they seem obsessed with hiring skinny-chinned dipsticks like Bale to play him? Okay, sure, the big chin does seem somewhat dorky, but come on... The Batman suit is already idiotic. That big, square jaw at least makes him look like a guy who'll take a beating and still haul your criminal butt to the slammer. A thin-chinned Batman practically screams "I dress this way because I WANT you to beat the snot out of me!"

I must also admit that, while it's certainly unfair to bring this into the equation, I watched this film after knowing of Christian Bale's little spoiled brat temper tantrum on the set of "Terminator 4," which left me with the impression the entire time that Bruce Wayne was going to bitch slap Alfred any time the old dude did something slightly out of line. And NOBODY slaps a loveable old British guy while I'm around! Not even the Batman!

So, anyway, Batman's crime-stopping is somewhat fumbled by a goofy duo of would-be vigilantes and the big guy gets mauled by some of the drug dealers' dogs. There's some kind of running gag about Batman being cynophobic in this movie. Which is weird, because I sure don't ever remember him having a chronic phobia of dogs. I don't know, maybe it just never came up. Bats goes home and moans and whines to Alfred and Morgan Freeman about his suit and says it needs to be fixed up. Yeah, I know it was supposed to be Lucius, but Morgan Freeman is too awesome to be anyone but Morgan Freeman.

Then we cut to a bank heist. Or was that the first scene? Oh, I don't know. I don't care, either. We get a bank heist where a bunch of ill-informed thugs wearing clown masks are apparently working together in some dastardly plan led by some newcomer called "The Joker." The bank robbery plan goes off with each thug killing each other so that, supposedly, the last one standing gets all the loot. Naturally, the Joker has been in disguise all along as one of the thugs, kills the others, and runs off with the cash. This ACTUALLY sounds like a typical Joker routine and I kind of liked it. Sure, it was darker than he's usually portrayed, no flashy colors, very little to the circus theme, but yeah... It was kind of cool. Couldn't complain too much. Except... HE DIDN'T FREAKING LAUGH! WHERE WAS THE LAUGH, MOVIE? Everybody knows that the Joker gets unparalleled masochistic glee from causing pain and double-crossing, and that always results in his eerie, uncontrollable laughter! WHERE WAS THE LAUGH!?

*sighs* Sorry... I didn't mean to explode like that. I just get a little annoyed when the coolest comic baddie ever gets portrayed as little more than a grumpy pretty-boy thug with an unfortunate shaving scar.

Anyway, after that, there's... some... stupid stuff about under-the-table deals with big business and the mob which District Attorney, Harvey Dent, wants to put an end to. Oh, and the Chinese are all evil. But you knew that already. This isn't really all that interesting, to tell you the truth, but just sort of sets a backdrop for Joker to do his thing, setting up all of the gangsters to follow his plans and ultimately be double-crossed, all in a blandly unfunny and decidedly Two-Faceish way.

Speaking of ol' Harv, apparently this movie's villain was only meant to be Two-Face, but it was re-written late in development to include the Joker as well and man is it obvious! Rather than just being some crazy sociopath with a bizarre obsession with comedy and cartoons, the Joker is batcrap insane about showing how everybody, no matter how good they try to act, is evil deep down. Hmmm... Sounds kind of like... Oh, I don't know... TWO-FACE! Isn't that HIS obsession? Showing how everybody has two sides to themselves? The Joker's schemes also seemed more Riddler-esque, being more centered around proving he could outwit Gotham's police force than deriving a sick laugh from the pain of others. But, instead, the Riddler is nowhere to be found (though, MAN, if HE was the guy doing all of this stuff, it would have WORKED!) and Two-Face gets essentially five minutes of showtime and then, rather anti-climactically, dies. Just dies. Sure, it happens after fighting Batman, but it's still lame in its delivery. I guess crummy showdowns are a trademark of this new director since his last movie featured the terrifying Scarecrow being defeated not by Batman, but by some random chick who recognizes who he is despite the mask then tazors him and sends him running off wetting his pants. Wowee. There's excitement for you.

Honestly, I could go into more detail, but what's the point? Batman growls like crazy and I can't understand a dang word he's saying. Harvey's life goes to all Hell and he becomes the horrific Two-Face (A strangely true-to-the-original origin story. Where'd THAT come from in this film?). The "Joker" does a lot of decidedly Riddler-esque schemes with Two-Face-esque morality lessons at the core. Oh, and Bruce rigs up every cellphone in the world to be a giant radar system to help him spy on Gotham and find the Joker. How the hell he does this, I'll never know, but he does. This leads to Morgan Freeman responding in shock to Bruce with some kind of lame left-wing politically-correct liberal Hollywood bullcrap about how using spy cameras to find a psychotic megalomaniac is wrong. You can practically see the words "SCREW YOU, GEORGE W. BUSH!!!" flashing across the screen in big, bold, red letters at this point and I, for one, had to use every amount of strength I could to keep from vomiting. Yes, Hollywood, we all know how much you hated the Big, Bad Bush and the way his scary Dark Wizards used their weather machines to create hurricanes and rig up your cellies to listen to your hot'n'heavy phone sex sessions. But don't worry. We have a new President now, so there's nothing to worry about! Until, of course, he commits some basic human error and you jump on him like the pack of ravenous dogs you are. Unless he gets assassinated, after which he will become a national hero.

I never really figured out how that worked with the Presidency.

Anyway, my biggest beef was, obviously, with the Joker himself. And I'm not going to pull some sentimental hoohah saying that Heath Ledger deserves an award just because he died after filming. Lots of actors have died after filming movies. It happens. It's sad, but it happens. Deal with it. I dealt with Jim Henson dying when I was a child, you can deal with this.

... Jim... *sniffs* The world was never meant for one as beautiful as you...

Oh, sorry, where was I? Yeah, the Joker. He's not funny! Yeah, yeah, I know, this was a "darker" Batman, so the Joker had to be dark. But to be known as the "Joker," doesn't he have to actually JOKE? A man with an ugly suit and greasepaint does not a Joker make! People have told me that Heath does oh so many frighteningly funny things during the film like a so-called "magic trick" which involves stabbing a guy to death with a pencil. And then he blows up a hospital while dressed as a nurse! And then... Well... That's all he does, apparently. Having watched both scenes, I have to say that they are indeed things the Joker would do... But, again, I must ask... WHERE WAS THE FUNNY!?

The magic trick. God, yes, that's Joker! But, as my dear wife has already stated, it's not the Joker way! The Clown Prince of Crime would actually perform the illusion of vanishing a pencil. Then, while the viewing party is either trying to figure out what's wrong with this dufus or planning to kill him, he giggles "But I know the real magic isn't making something disappear! It's bringing it BACK!" after which he stabs somebody to death with the pencil, laughing hysterically. As he drops the corpse to the ground, he looks at the disgusted audience, asks "What? You don't think that's funny?" then shrugs with a nonchalant "Eh, kids these days. Y'got no sense of humor!"

And the hospital routine. Supposedly hilarious because the Joker is in drag. Drag is only funny when it's camped up. He's not in drag to be funny. He's in drag only because it makes a good disguise. And when he blows up the hospital, he just shrugs it off. Hi-Larious. The REAL Joker would have pranced around as girlishly as possible in the nurse's skirt, then blown up the hospital with some over-the-top campy feminine squeal or a deliriously happy "Now that's going out with a BANG!"

Come on, people. The Joker can be tough to write for, but how difficult is it to throw in a few one-liners now and then? If you didn't want a zany evil-clown style villain in your movie, then you shouldn't have even bothered using him! I can't tell you how many people have told me this Joker is superior because "the old Joker was corny. He was cheesy. He wasn't scary." Honestly, I don't know how you can get scarier than a guy who threatens to kill you, then laughs it off and tells you he's only teasing so that you eventually laugh and sigh at the silly clown, then he responds "Now that's what Uncle Joker likes to see! A nice... big... smile..." before he stabs you, strangles you, or shoves plastic explosives down your throat while laughing uncontrollably. How is that NOT scary? This Joker was just... Just... A mean guy in grease paint! There was nothing ground breaking about him! Anyone who says that they've never seen a villain like this has apparently NEVER watched an action or suspense movie in their lives! He was Hannibal Lector with lipstick. Nothing else.

Also, I have to ask why in the world they're even bothering to try making a "more realistic" Batman series. Has it occurred to anyone that the reason why certain stories become comic books is because they don't work in reality? Most of Batman's gadgets make no logical sense and his villains? Two-Face and the Joker are two of the only vaguely believable villains and already they've screwed them up! I can only imagine what will happen when they get to the more supernatural villains. Heck, last movie we had the Scarecrow, a guy who's known for using his knowledge of the human mind as well as BLACK MAGIC to make peoples' fears come to life. What did he do in Batman Begins? Give people nightmares with nerve gas. Spooky. Do the people involved in this project even realize that Batman's foes include, but are not limited to, a living clump of criminal clay, and TWO undead women, one of whom is half-plant and controls the forces of nature while the other thinks she's a cat?

The Dark Knight is yet another in a long line of media mind-pablum that keeps trying to remind anyone who still enjoys cartoons that we are no longer welcome and, if we're not going to stop smiling and laughing on our own free will, then they'll destroy everything that makes us smile and then crush us as well.

God, I hated this movie.

On a lighter note, halfway through the movie, somebody called me which made my cellphone blare off on a rousing rendition of "Thunder and Blazes," the classic clown song. It sent me into a peal of hysterical laughter at the thought of the Joker himself possibly calling to demand an answer why I was watching such an insult and then went on to think I should have gone to the theater to watch this movie, dressed as classic Joker, then had someone call me so that the music would go off, scaring the hell out of everyone. I'd stand up, doing my best Mark Hamill Joker voice possible, and say "Sorry to interrupt this BOMB of a movie, kiddies," while pulling up the antenna of my phone like a detonator, then cackling "But here's hoping the movie still ends with a BANG!" while slamming the antenna down. Sure, I'd get arrested, but dang it would be funny!

Heh heh... Bang... Heh... Heh heh... Hee hee hee! Haha... HAH HAH!!! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!