Posted

Jan 18th 2005

Mood

Shaky

Music

1985 ~ Bowling For Soup

Lying in bed last night listening to my brother watching Family Guy... My mind is wandering.

I think about shit that happened while I was home, sick. Think about random shit like the dreams I've been having. My mind floats to Rob. I'm really liking him, but then I think, "He's going to want to have sex one of these days"
And my gut drops....
I've never done the nasty with a guy before. Sure, he's a virgin (X3 how cute), but now that I think about it, maybe I'm only going out with him to be in a relationship. I feel like crap.
I'm skeeved out.... by the thought of him ever dropping his pants. Men are ug-go >.> I'm a bitch. I think that I want him, but do I really? He's the guy that I've always wanted when I thought of who my future boyfriend would be.
He's in a band. He sing and is good at it. He' my little hippy. Plays a guitar, he's cute, funny, makes me laugh. But...... I dunno.
I feel wrong because I'm sitting on his lap, he leans into my ears and says a cute little "Loves you".. and all I can do is smile and nod and him. At the most I return a weak "You too, luv"
Is it wrong that I wish I were still in the relationship with my ex-girlfriend? I feel so lost right now.
I want to cry...
I need to stop worrying about this shit and let it just happen, right? Just let go or the bullshit and just see how it goes. I guess I enjoy being with Rob. Like I said, he's a great guy. I really like him. He's sweet, funny, plays lead guitar in a band (I'm the groupie I've always wanted to be), we have a lot in common, like the same music (he's a bit more in the 60s, early 70s, I'm more 70 early 80s, but it works). I'm a bit more of an activist, he's a communist, but it works.
I just don't know. We've only being going out for like... a month maybe... a little less? Am I just nervous? Maybe I just need time to get used to being the "girl" again.




He has wonderfully powerful hands... Long fingers that can curl over mine when we put our hands together... I'm at least a whole foot shorter then he is. I feel small, but protected around him. So much different from being the protector. I guess I just have to adjust. He can pull me onto his lap with such ease, like I'm as light as a feather. I've never been treated like I'm the one to be wooed. I was always the provoker. It's just a big change, I guess.





But I'm still scared....