Posted

Dec 29th 2008

Mood

Dejected

Music

n/a

Sheezy, (or, more accurately, anyone who cares to read this,) I come before you to say that things on my end may have just taken a drastic turn for the worse. To be honest, I hope not. But to quote Obama, "change is coming".

Regarding my circumstances IRL, the **** has hit the proverbial fan.

Issue #1: I'm not going back to college, at least not anytime soon.

My grades took a plunge this semester to match my overall disillusionment with higher education, and its gotten so bad that by semester's end every time I sat down to write a paper it felt like there were two giant sheets of sandpaper grating on each other inside my head. I've become sarcastic, angry, bitter... I'm not even sure I like the person I am right now, but I can't just press forward or ignore what I now believe. So I'm taking some time off. Hopefully the economy will improve and I'll find the means to finish what I started, but even if it doesn't I plan to be a proponent of change in academia until I see my ideas become reality.

This, as you can imagine, didn't go over too well with my parents. I won't go into specifics out of respect, but bridging the issue with my mother was, out of necessity... delicate. My dad, fortunately, got to me first and was able to help. Neither of them are thrilled, to say the least. I'll probably be living at home for awhile working at the local Wal-Mart.

I don't think I've ever felt like more of a bum...

Which leads me into Issue #2: The eruption at my parents.

This past semester I've gotten particularly acquainted with the life led by my brother "Geno". I've seen his ups and his downs, seen him happy, energetic, motivated, inspired, angry, depressed, and everything in between. I've watched as he's struggled to try and keep dozens of pieces in place amongst his various responsibilities and relationships, and particularly the dynamic between his fiancee and our parents. I won't talk about such things in detail; they are private, after all. However, I have reached a few well-informed opinions, all of which were confirmed to me this afternoon.

One: My parents have NEVER trusted Geno. Not the way he should be. Given the choice they'd keep him in restraints and under surveillance, or under some form of mind control - my dad even said as much. Apparently if given the choice he would gladly "flip a switch" and take away my brother's free will. Isn't that a gigantic parenting no-no?!

Two: They can't get past the fact that Geno doesn't have a solid financial plan for the upcoming May wedding and beyond. On this I partly agree with them: it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to jump in head first if there's no water in the pool (so-to-speak). However, what I DON'T agree with is the fact that it's been virtually ALL THEY SAY TO HIM for the last six months! We're in a recession and the guy is expected to have a nest egg?! Like I said, I agree that getting married without much money is asking for trouble, but imagine having that point drilled into your head with a jackhammer every time you see someone and you've got my parents' approach to the situation. Not very helpful to anyone.

Three: My ex-brother (see a previous journal) has officially poisoned everything that's going on in my family. Everyone's down. My mom's personality had a manic-depressive twist all of last summer and now it's gone into straight, if not subdued, depression. I probably shouldn't even have written that, but without it nothing I've said is in proper perspective. My mom is STRONGLY Type A and has not been happy with the overall quality of her life for the last several years. This has spilled out and effected everyone, especially so following my former brother's betrayal.

All of these factors came together this afternoon when my parents were discussing my upcoming changes with Geno and myself. They began throwing out the floor-level criticisms as they always do when talking to him (I doubt they ever truly talk with him since his opinions offend them so much) and after several long pauses I decided to shoot the proverbial "elephant in the room" and went off on a tirade about how they don't view or treat him fairly.

Not the smartest move when I'm going to be subsisting more or less on their generosity for several months (at least),... but strangely, I don't regret it. Not in the least. It all culminated with a matched argument between Geno and parents centered on - you guessed it - money & the wedding, which ended with him leaving for an indeterminate amount of time (currently staying @ fiancee's parents').

Sweet sanity, this has been a day of drama.

All that to say: I'm not at all sure how my immediate future's going to pan out. I guess I'll make another journal when the dust settles.