Posted

Aug 24th 2008

Mood

Miserable

Music

"Miserable At Best" Mayday Parade

I totally get what they mean when they say "you've begun to loose interest in everything you used to love, no one knows who you are anymore..." all that stuff.
idk what I am let alone does anyone else.
I was just reading some stuff on someone's page between 2 ex friends of mine.
it was interesting.
I would've loved to just b!tch to the hells to them, but yeah, I'm not gunna waste my effort typing.
It's a waste of my time.
They don't get the inside my head how fu¢ked up I am and don't wanna go through it with me anymore so whatever I don't care I can't do anything about it anymore.
I can't help what I am.
I have some new friends, good friends, they understand more of the jumble going on inside my head.
I'll live it out through my music and poetry, that's all I need along with those few friends who understand.
I really do need to switch schools.
Get away from rumors.
Get away from old aquantances.
Get away from old friends.
Get away from ex freinds.
Stick with the people that understand what I can't explain.
Apparently I think it's all about me.
I wasn't aware of that though.
No, I just want to know what's going on with ME and happening to ME so I can get FIXED and stop HURTING MYSELF and ALL THE OTHERS I LOVE so DEARLY that are TIRED of ME and THROUGH with ME.
I guess, as I've thought a couple things through right now, why I'm so obsessed with guys, I guess as it appears to others, that maybe the whole reasoning behind it in the very depths of my mind and heart, is they are like my drug, as people turn to drugs for relief, I turn to guys for acceptance, to know I'm wanted, that someone would want that much of me, that someone would love me and care about me so much with that kind of love, not just the friend love. Maybe it's the how I go from guy to guy trying to find love that can repair what previous ones have done but in the end I'm worse than when I began.
But I'm sure no one here understands that.
I regret ever coming on here I think.
Not to offend any friends I still have left on here, but some how I think if I had never met some of the people I did on here maybe some of these things in my life would be different or non-existent.
And this is for those who care still, they upped my zoloft, doubling it, and I have been better lately. Between that and staying off of here where so many tormenting memories lye, I think I'm doing better.
To think I planned half my whole future or more around someone I met on here. I never really told it to anyone, but really, that was how I was making my decision on college: which was closer to him. Why I thought that would relationship would last, I don't know now. I thought I did then, but now I'm not sure. It's just way too im-practical for reality.
But I'm going to try and get through this loose, and begin repairing my heart and future and all by myself, for it seems if I involve someone else, in the end I hurt them, loose them, and am even worse than when I started.
I don't even know what I want to conclude with or about, so I just won't say anything.

bye,
Richiko.