then make me : SheezyArt

Journals

November 2008: Cry, baby
October 2008: Exhale
September 2008: kNights; I'll be just fine; Would you like to forget
August 2008: Electra's complex; Choke me; Bending and Breaking
June 2008: Double-Period; Tearing
May 2008: Aired; then make me; Now ending discreetly
April 2008: There are no words to describe; Monthly
March 2008: Love/Hate theory
February 2008: PaperCuts ClosedHearts
January 2008: What it's all about; Tell me; The world will keep on watching.

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xxgatxx: then make me

Posted: May 6th 2008
Mood: Guilty
Music: Amy Winehouse - back to black

Lets admit it, I'm not a people person.
It's hard for me to talk to people I don't know because of the fear of finding me somewhat dumb. And it's not that I'm even close to be the smartest person on earth, but I'm not dumb. I'm afraid people will see me in that light, so I close myself and shut up and think a hundred times before I say anything. And then, at the end of the day, I sit with myself thinking about all the things I didn't say and regret for it, and I'm not a regreting person. Usually.

Dreams, I hate dreaming, I fear it and its conclusions.
I dream as if it is a second reality, of what I could do but didn't. Of things that can happen but won't, not because of fate. Because I won't allow my self progress. Because I keep myself stuck at one place. My self restrain, it has always been there ever since I could remember myself, painting me grey as I fade into the background.
That restrain that's only expressed with words, because I talk too little and do too much. Way too much. And just like that, without a word, I ruin every relationship I've built. I believe that to be liked you have to show love to others and it's hard while I keep my outer side apathetic. The only solution I can find is by pain and sex and abuse. Even with my best friend I feel like I need to flirt with her to be loved because I have no other way to show her that I do. And when I say 'I love you' it always sounds so hollow even though I give my heart to it. I just don't want to get hurt.

Right now I feel like a bad person and not because something I did or will do, just the thought inside my head is a good enough reason to be punished.
If this happened to my friends I'd tell them that there is no blame to take for an act you hadn't take, but somehow when it's around me it's hard for me to convinse myself it's true.
If it happend a year ago, I would've probably laugh and say that I can play and fuck with others feelings.

I'm drowing in my own puddles making them look like oceans.

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