Posted

Jan 3rd 2005

Mood

Depressed

... hello everyone....
it had been a long time since i last written an entry, no?
do i need an explanation for that... i guess i will tell since i need somewhere to pour out my.... what i had been moping about.

some may take offence in this entry... but by the time i finished typing... i guess i could take in more flames by then.

how often had i been listening to people..... and how many times had i helped them in that?
yea i know i shouldn't start counting the owes and such... i guess i am pretty good in comparing and finding mistakes and solutions.
pretty innocently though... i couldn't seem to identify my own problems. the problem is there... but it is evading me pretty well... though others may see it, i can't.
what is the problem called? insecurity. hopelessness. and large amount of depression.
the usual drugs. damn.

since small i had been an outcast (honestly, how many of us claimed as that?)... i am able to make friends but some people just don't like me... and slam that information into my face when i just wish to greet them for the first time. why? because i am a nerd... because i am from an average family.... and i am a bastard child. really, how do the people of my generation knew not to be close to me when i myself do not know? it is like i am a mosquito and everyone is out to get me.

being able to make friends is one thing... but i can't seem to keep them for long. everytime i say 'this is my best friend', the person will either betray me... break my heart... and some other people decided to shove a nice smelly shoe into the relationship to keep the friend i adore and came to care.

now i have a better friend... i dare not say anything to change it.... and the relationship is not as close as the recent broken friendship i used to have.
i am keeping secrets... and if i want to share with her, it isn't easy for me to express.

i can't be alone... i shouldn't be alone... i know i couldn't go on much if i am alone. i need contact... and i need bloody damn alot.

having no friends in my own college for forking two years had made a mark in me. seriously, i had become more depressing... more... careless in some sense.
and my studies are showing it and it is a bad sign.
mom isn't happy... no... neither am i.

hell yea i am selfish. i'll be damned WELL i don't SHARE... but i really don't appreciate people stepping on me because my character is not to their liking. yes i do sit on chairs in many awkward manners. i tend to be a bit too.... loud for a girl. in fact... i was told i was being too friendly to the adults behind the adminitration desks and the principal and lecturers. too friendly in such a sense that they are my equal.

in my opinion, WHY NOT?!! he/she is no king or queen... maybe someone older and better rankings... but human nontheless. even if he is the prime minister, oh hello! shake hands! go off. i don't know him very well and i don't see why i should converse with him and get closer with him for whatever thrilly reasons. i respect every individual in different ways. oh meet the king! bow! kneel! and shut up. i will refuse to talk to him. why...? hell yeah i want to keep my head where it is. i am too friendly... too casual to everyone.

screw that fact! i've been stepped by adults who thinks they are superior.... because they are older and i should worship the very ground they walk. i am sorry, i can't do that. because i don't know how and i doubt i could and will learn.

'father' is very fatherly... and many people tend to enjoy REMINDING me... in a very bad way. hell i DO know why someone is missing in the party.. hell i KNOW why i don't have a strong support behind me anymore.
no matter what, he is a biological father and he did a damn good job to keep me secure.
mom is doing in a kindly... gentle manner. almost in a scared manner as i do have my father's fury at times. not.working.dammit. i need a support, i need strength! i need something to keep me going! putting my career dreams in front of me is not working when i am not allowed to make my first choice real. i wanted to go to TOA dammit... no i don't want to know other colleges nearer... no. DAMN!

my interest had practically went beyond negativity.... my motivation alone... standing on my own very small undeveloped support.................................... could you see it?

i had failed a number of subjects and during the first term... i will be repeating 1 subject and resitting 2. now the big catch... last term is my final term and guess what.... i couldn't attend the presentation for the final project. why? because i had been absent. double why? now that's the problem.... i just... don't want to go..... no matter what. i just can't FACE that class for whatever reasons. i just couldn't. TRIPLE why? fear... depression... suppression.

telling me that my 'father' will be so proud of me because i am failing WILL NOT WORK, DAMN YOU MOM! stop rubbing THAT into my face! you are making it worst....

and now i had this sudden spark to go to TOA to improve my drawing skills. and i will start on this VERY TERM. i need i really NEED to push my body back into gear. i want to be how i am when i left secondary school. full of anticipation and enthusiasm. i need it back. because i miss the thrill.... the happiness created from it.

if i must PUSH even further... i will WORK! i INTEND to work! why?!! because i want to push myself back to my original self... so that i could go overseas. THAT's WHY!!!
but i am doing a damn bad job on picking myself up. friends will be friends but they do have other friends....

i guess i am all on my own this time.... time to learn how to move on now...
but i do have a wish... i hope my 'father' leaves the house immediately. i don't want to see his face. such an awful reminder in the house that he is doing a bad job on being a father. stupid traitorous support.

time for me to go down and have a slow talk with amy on how shall i reduce the damage of my final term. hell i know i can't go for the class but is it possible for me to repeat on a lighter note...

see you all... if there is all...
you will all know how much i fare in picking up what was left of me and what had become of me when i mold it back....