Posted

Dec 6th 2007

Mood

Dreary

Well ba dthings have been happening I'm afraid. I don't really feel like typing it all but if you want to read everything that happend look here-> http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/journal.php?mode=view&post_id=14742891&u=9883256

About the only update I have is my grandmother died and her funeral was Mon. 11/20? I didn't get to go but it supposedly went well.


I now know why I felt something was up with my parents. :stare: About 2 maybe 3 days ago my mom asked if my bf and I had talked about getting married I told her "no why would we?" "oh no reason" was her response which of course I didn't buy for a second. Well yesterday my mom and dad were driving me to work and they started talking about the fact they were going to trade our grandmothers trailer in for a new bigger one so that means Niki and the babies will have to move back into the house with us for awhile then after they seel the big house they'd move into the trailer and niki would move back out to somewhere else then they talked about only being in the trailer for half the year so I figured I'd be like a house sitter for the half they weren't there since they seemed to be heading in that direction but I was wrong. ; After they said that their next words were "So give that bf of yours a kick and tell him to hurry it up we need to marry you off soon."

Like I need to worry about that. I know this isn't the best thing to say or think but I don't see myself ever getting married and it's not cause I don't love my bf or think he loves me or anything like that it's just something that doesn't seem logical to me. It's one of those things that if it ever happend I'd probably end up worrying for the first month to year about it. Just the normal stuff I worry about now, being a first time gf, and what I worried about before I ever was one like would someone really want to be with me like that? What could/can I do wrong? What happends if I do something wrong? What if I don't realize it? Would someone really want to be around me that much? Stuff like that, I also don't see it happening because it's one of those things I can imagine happening but don't feel can ever really happen, this opinion rarely changes unless I'm having a super good self-esteem day. I'm guessing it's cause I think it's something that could possibly make me happy and I always feel guilty for some reason if something happens to me that I like or makes me happy. I think thats why I sometimes expect my bf to decide to break up with me, which I also sometimes think would be best for him cause who wants a gf that thinks/feels like that?

**Today**
Well my sis just prove that sometimes I wish I wasn't here or at least not around her. I was working and she and my boss was looking at some donations we'd gottne for Christmas which normally wouldn't have been bad but this was like 7 bags to look through and they left me alone with the kids, which we had about 15-20 of. When she finally came out she saw my pull my youngest neice to me but since she moved as I pulled her, like she normally does, my sis was convinced I snapped her neck. Then she said something about how I can't handle my job or she tried to ask that but made it sound more like a statement and told me to give Natalie, my niece, to her and as I did Natalie moved again but my sis says I shook her and made her scared if not gave her brain damage. :stare: She's also on her "Oh I'm so sick" streak again so I should be nicer to her or so she says and do stuff for her that she can't, which makes sense except that if you don't do it fast enough she does it just like she always does.

I think this is why I don't want children or to get married sometimes. While I like the idea of being a mother and wife at the same time most of the married people I know are rather unhappy and/or if I end up being like my sis or mother when I'm married I don't want to be and when my sis does this thing of how horrible I am with children I think I never want to have them just so if I am I won't be. Although I personally would like to adopt too if I'm not good with kids I wouldn't want to do that either, of course if I am bad with kids I want to know why so many like me and why my sis says Autumn, my oldest niece, loves me and I'm her fav person.

Oh almost forgot my mom thinks I should go back on pych meds cause with out them I'm this horrible person. Her exact words were "You used to be this sweet girl now you're just this beast." which after what Niki said I really didn't need to hear, I actually cried and my mom just kept yelling about how I was twisting her words and how I'm wrong saying that they didn't help and just got me annoyed at everything super easy but made me keep my mouth shut or made me not care about anything. T_T Of course I don't know how I feel or anything so she must be right so I guess I'll be going to see someone that can make me take drugs I don't want to take. I hope I OD and die personally then maybe my mom will shut up about it and leave me be. This is definately when my poem "Sorry I'm not perfect" applies. All poems found here My Poems
Sorry I'm not "PERFECT"



Sorry I'm not smart enough for you,

Sorry I'm weaker than you,

Sorry I'm not as wonderful as you are all the time,

Sorry I'm not "a little angel" all the time,

Sorry I'm such a "disappointment",

Sorry I'm not completely obedient to your every whim,

Sorry I don't worship the ground you walk on,

Sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted,

In short SORRY I'M NOT "PERFECT" LIKE YOU!

Well thats it. Take care everyone and I hope your life is better then mine right now. Oh and being random check out this place www.azuzephre.net/site/main/

Here are the links to my fav characters and my quotes--> http://www.sheezyart.com/journal/301373/
http://www.sheezyart.com/journal/278854/