Posted

Dec 20th 2004

Mood

Virused

it's me... I'm still out here.

For now...

Seems like I won't be receiving anything for the holidays. I'm used to it.

The only thing that I really would like is to be reunited with my friends, whom it seems like I betrayed now, up in Lancaster. But as it seems, it'll never happen. I'll keep wishing though...

I'm so sorry, to all of you. To everyone.

I don't deserve to spend the holidays alone and hated against by people which I once loved, and still do. I'm sorry.

--------

I forgive to much in my life. I am way to generous. Though people don't tend to notice these things, nor me for that fact, they see me as passive. I question does arise at heart for why do humans act out on the passive? It is an instinct. An instict that they can controll, but fail to. Anger is that instinct, a reversal of fear. Humans are afraid to act out onto the more aggressive, so they act out their bottled up fear, that surely turns to anger, on the more passive beings, even animals.

Why am I so suicidal? Because I have nothing to hold onto anymore. My memories were thrown away by someone I still love. I can never hate. I am not human, but I am, and that's what tears me apart. I want to end this human life. I want my spirit to be infused with that of a hyena. I want to be something other that human. I cannot understand human psychology anymore. It plagues me. It did untill I gave up. I want to die, I so do. But as it stands, once again, money has become a greedy factor in this. It takes money to make a will so that I can be a generous person when I die. It also takes money to buy a gun.

I already have a bullet.

My suicide will be self-rightous. No one shall truly ever miss me for that they truly never knew who I was to begin with.

I love you all.

~Mix.