Posted

May 1st 2007

Mood

Suicidal

Music

"Fred Jones Pt. 2" - Ben Folds

How can I possibly help someone I care for when I can't even help myself?
An emotional wreck who's too much like his old man.
Not to mention she's miles away and I haven't been able to hold her for over a month.
What's happened to me?
Used to I could help anybody I came in contact with and now I can't even muster up proper ecouragment.
I feel like every day I dumb myself down even more.
Haven't had a solid conversation with anybody in my life for months.
I seem to bore people, nothing pushes me to start talking because I never know what to say anymore, to anything.
Days go by as blurs and I'm chest-deep in the worst kind of depression there is.
It's so frustrating because I can seldomn say that aloud.
You know what happens when I do?
She doesn't tell me things anymore in fear of making me worse.
It's a vicious cycle, it isn't fair and it's so frustrating.
Partly why that dream bothered me, still is bothering me.
Does it mean something in the slightest or was it nothing more than a random dream?
Tis' certainly one of my biggest fears and it doesn't help that up until yesterday I hadn't believed the opposite.
Even now I still have trouble believing but would someone really push that hard to make someone believe something if they were lying?
*shrugs*
A vicious cycle...
Opening up boxes she sent me and uncovering a coversation that had been printed out.
Between her and the real guardian angel of her life.
Thinking back on Mr. Texas as well.
She opened up to them in a heartbeat, why not me?
Have I really messed up so much that I can't even be confided in anymore?
*turns the music up a little*
I'm starting to tear up, I don't want my parents to hear me cry.
That's all i seem to do anymore is cry and think about how everyone would be better off without me.
Just talk to me for christ's sake...
You could talk to them, and Mr. Texas and the angel...they could always make you feel better...why not me..?
What I would do to construct a magical string of sentences that would fix all of your problems.
I feel like even though I can't seem to do anything that I have to or I'll lose it all.
I want to...
Why can't I?!
*tears at his cuticles as if they're wrapping paper*

"There was no party, there were no songs.
Cause today's just a day like the day that he started.
No one is left here, who knows his first name.
And life barrells on like a runaway train.
Where the passengers change, they don't change anything.
You get off, someone else can get on."

I wish I were somebody else, a happier person.
Not for me because I don't mind being unhappy, times like this it bothers me to the point of suicidal thoughts but other than that I'm used to it.
For her.
I want to be self-composed and efficient for her.
*finally loses it and begins to cry uncontrolably*
When I was sick last week, at it's peak I felt like something was truly wrong with me and that I could die.
For the first time in years I prayed.
Yes...I prayed.

"God, please.
I know I've always talked about dying, that I've always said I want to die.
But not now...because what if she really will be with me forever?
What if she really does need me?
I can't leave her behind so please, please don't let me die.
Please keep me alive, please help me.
I've never stopped believing in you, I just don't believe in you the way other people do.
I want to be by her side...please let me live..."

I continue to make things worse.
My fingers, eyes and head are in far too much pain, I can't continue.