Posted

Apr 20th 2007

Mood

Claustrophobic

Music

Silence seems to be the trend lately.

I really want to run away to a small, deserted area and hide out for a while. The summary of my recent life:

Two of my closest friends decided to plow into a major hurdle in their relationships, and naturally I happened to be present, and therefore the arbitor (That's either a Halo term or a mispelling) and the unfortunate recipient of someone sleeping on my sofa for a week and a half. Not that I'd have minded a houseguest, but she was particularly unpleasant to have around this time. Maybe it was me. The other couple has a baby on the way and legal issues pertaining to the situation. While it is a vexing and worrisome problem, I'm not at liberty to discuss it. I can only be an attentive ear and a soft shoulder for them.

My aunt is the unfortunate recipient of a condition called epilepsy, and nobody knows why. I have to drive her wherever she needs to go, put up with her severe mood swings (from the medication), look everywhere for insurance help (because she is unable to hold a job in this condition), fill out paperwork for everything and its brother because she can't focus enough on it to complete it properly (and let me tell you, there is a LOT of paperwork), pick her up off the floor and/or keep her from trying to break herself while she has seizures, fix her damn computer for the umteenth time because she has hours where she has no common sense and a three second memory from her condition, and continue to be disgustingly optimistic when even my imagination can see no solution or end to the problem. I never enjoyed being anyone's keeper, but I'm the only one who can right now. We did have a breakthrough recently. The last doctor's visit she has, the doctor found a 20 degree difference in the blood pressure between her arms. Now I have to find a way to make an appointment that isn't going to put her further into debt that she has no way to pay back. We don't have enough money for her to file complete bankruptcy. Why does it cost so much to say you have no money, anyway?

My car is in a perpetual state of ... limbo. It isn't completely broken, but it isn't fixed either. $400 could GET it fixed, but I can't save enough money to have that done. Something always comes up. This month I had to pay for one of my aunt's medications. Muscle relaxers and pain killers aren't covered by any free or reduced cost medication plans/services that are available here, except for Medicaid, which won't speak to us until my aunt's disability case is resolved. I'm probably going to have to renew the tags on both of the cars as well. I live in fear that my car will just quit on me.

I just had to balance my mom's checkbook again. She is such an airhead. She forgets about little things like ordering pizza last week, or a soda at the gas station on the way to work, but these things add up. At least I caught it before she dug herself another hole.

My roof still isn't fixed. I found out that my it's held up by a series of flimsy trusses. In the meantime, it's molding and making me ill, and the Other Housepeople are probably suffering from it as well, but they smoke, so who could tell? Nasty habit. It's difficult enough to find a roofing company that doesn't want to halfass the job AND is willing to work on a mobile home, but I haven't found anyone willing to replace the trusses, except for my roommate's father. Unfortunately, he lives in Connecticut and can't get a long enough vacation from his job to help us. Of course, removing the offending trusses will destroy the ceiling inside, and some of the ceiling IS destroyed in the first place and needs to be removed. I haven't found any place to get replacement ceiling at. This situation SEVERELY vexes me. Rain will still get under the tarp on the roof at this time of year because the (constant) storms are fairly violent. The last one threw the bottles full of water holding down one side of the tarp on the roof, which smashed new holes through it. Someone please win me the lottery so I can burn my house down.

I just had a life-threatening medical problem happen to me. I was pregnant and it was NOT a normal proceeding. Suffice to say the solution wasn't supported by my insurance and I had to borrow money. While the people I borrowed it from donated it to me (bless their unselfish hearts ), I can't let a debt that large go unpaid. What's money compared to my life? I owe them repayment at the very least. I couldn't tell my family about the situation. Certain parties would not have understood at all and I'd have been vilified all over again.

I can't manage to get any decent art out of myself. I know it would help me to let some of my stress out into my art, but ... it just won't come out. My art goes nowhere no matter how well I plan or if I just doodle. I can SEE what I want in my mind, but my hands do not translate.

My computer situation is still deficient, but I'm trying to work on that. I can't keep using everyone else's computer.

I'm trapped.