Posted

Jan 23rd 2007

Mood

Depressed

You didn't do anything wrong, and you don't deserve this. I shouldn't talk to people, I shouldn't feel, I only end up hurting those I care about. I can rationalize all I want, say that it's better doing it now then later, that it's all for your benefit... but I'm still crying now. Nothing will change that. I did the deed, and now I must live with the consequences. Why can one night mean so much? How can I live with myself?

I can't. But I have to.

"How can you tell me this is not my fault when you tell me i'm expecting too much of you." You don't expect to much from me, I expect too much from myself. "I wish you would stop lying to me." I tell you the truth, but the words are hit or miss, meaning strained through broken glass. Can't you understand that making you think I thought about you as a girlfriend would be the greatest deception? Putting on a mask for a fiery kiss, a kiss I still feel now as I write this. "None of this should have happened. It was better off before." Yes. I should have never let it go as far as it did. I was happy just watching you from afar. "You and I, a joke, the words you said to me, a joke." No. No, please, it's not funny, this joke you make. It tears me in half. CAN'T YOU SEE I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. I CARE ABOUT YOU. I meant every feeling, every breath. Why do words have to get in the way of feelings?

And now, as the tears stream down my face, I watch myself ruin another perfectly good friendship. Why do I always manage to fuck things up this badly?

You said you understood. I see that you don't, but no more words will help. I've done what I desperately wanted to avoid: added another wound. God will never forgive me. The front I put up is shattered, bravado is uesless, and the world sees how vulnerable I really am.