Posted

Dec 4th 2006

Mood

Disappointed

Music

None.

Hey there guys. Just updating my journal a bit.
Changed my color scheme to green. Because I like green and it's the Holidays, why not?

Anyway. Lately I've been working on developing my characters more. Because I want to. And perhaps it's for the comic. But mostly it's for me.

My mom, dad, friend and I went to an art show/art walk today. It was amazing, all the art was so inspiring and the city where it was held was really quirky and fun to be at. The buildings were as old as the early 1900's and the bricks were old and cracking. There was an airport nearby, so big huge planes of every kind passed overhead also. Posters from events, movies and bands you've never heard of were pasted to tagged and graffitti'd walls of old buildings. I had a great time, overall.
We came to this one place that was part of the art walk. I met this lady named Catherine Gill. She does pastel/watercolor mixed media nature paintings, she's very good at it too. Mom mentioned to her that I was an artist (I feel like I'm bragging just saying that, ugh). She asked to see some of my work, if I had it with me (which I did) so I showed her and gave her one of my cards. She ooh'd and aah'd at my stuff. She went on to say stuff like she knew how hard it was trying to get an art career when High School ends, and that she would be a private teacher for me for the in-between-highschool-and-college time. Which is great, really. She knows a lot and travels and teaches a lot of younger students, for like 25 years or something. Mom and Dawn got really, really emotional saying things like "Oh thank you Catherine! Thank you so much! You're GOLD! Maranda, you're future is really being shaped for you. You don't know how lucky you have it to be surrounded by so many people who support you and give you so many options."
And you know, I can't help but feel sick about this. Frankly, I don't think I deserve all this attention. Why should I be getting so many options and opportunities for this? Is it because of where I live? My parents? My friends? Me? Why? I don't understand it. I know many other people that would KILL to have this sort of situation. Other people deserve this more or just as much as I do.
And what also bothers me is that... I can do anything I want to pertaining to art. Anything I want to. I can do it. But what makes me sick to the stomach is that I can't decide what I want. I have so much more choice than some people do. I have options, and to me it seems like I'm wasting them. I don't like myself for not being able to choose what I want with my life. It feels like I'm acting like a spoiled bitch. Everything's been given to me, almost nothing I've had to work for. Somehow, things just don't mean anything to me. It's all come so easy. But it's frustrating.

I'll shut up now, sorry.