Posted

Apr 19th 2006

Mood

Unworthy

Music

Ben Harper - Forever

This is the ultimate emo and sentimental post, so everyone watch out. I'm not asking for anyone or everyone to read this, but somehow, it just lingers in my mind enough to type about.

Think of the people that you have met, are with, and think of the kind of people you may meet in the near or distant future. Think of the people that you never see anymore. Or maybe what could happen to you and a close friend or an aquaintance that you could suddenly not remember or see anymore the next ten years, which felt like just tomorrow. It feels so weird, so intense, so thoughtful when you felt that you have lost people that have felt so important to you. You can never forget about them, no. Because you will always be thinking about them and where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with.

I remember my mom when she was first telling me about her first love. She never told me much of memories she shared with him (except for one where they would go to one hotel to do drugs and found a rat eating out of a bag of it). Now I ask her, "Where is he? Do you ever see him anymore?" And my mom, having been raised in New York and having to now reside in Tennessee, it's a bit of a case, I guess. She said she heard that he was now living in Rhode Island with a wife, his mother still living in his same apartment of where he used to live. His mother never liked my mom, so I guess that's another reason as to why she could never see him anymore...

So I get to thinking about something like that. That exact same thing could happen to me, if not happening already. What I feel hurts worse more than everything is to lose someone that you had shared so many memories with... had practically grown up with or shared so many intimate firsts with... that could be lost in just a snap. It's just interesting as to way the people work. The slightest damage or the heaviest of hurt can easily tear people apart and to have those memories, those dreams, those times shared... where just like a fragment of your imagination. And you would give anything, do anything, to bring that person back just so long as you know that he is still having a part in your life, so you wouldn't have to wind up reading his or her name in the obituaries five years from now, then having to regret so much, having to wonder the inevitable questions of "why" and "how."

It's just one of those times where you felt you wish you could just turn back time before you made so many mistakes while at the same time you had already learned and life taught you so much. Is it wrong to go and try to fix things that are beyond fixing? Is it wrong to still hope that great things come to those who truly wait? Having to do both of these objections is a giant risk of losing everything again ten times over. I can't tell you how many times where I live in this fanatical state of mind of believing that I have the power and ability to fix things and make them better again, so I won't lose anybody to the sands of time. Or maybe this is just too selfish of me, or just me being too stubborn to let people... go? To just vanish? All I can do is just grip onto those memories and let them guide me through the next wave of people that I have both in the present and meet in the future. And maybe, just maybe, one of those people will be the "one." ...My one and only.