Posted

Oct 12th 2005

Mood

Depressed

okay, what is wrong with me lately. let me kick it off.

1- depression. it's probably been triggered by all the things i'm about to list but i know it's here because i can feel it fucking with my usual reaction to things. rather than just wanting to be lazy and stay home, i want to stay home and hide. that's a difference. and it's a major one.

2- being mother fucking LONELY. i doubt any of the people reading this will GET this since none of you have any fucking idea what it feels like but put yourself in a foreign country where your only friend is leaving. make yourself shakey with the language. remember your friends in the states don't try to get on earlier or make an effort to talk to you because...

3- i'm pissed that people are RUBBING IN number two. take that, now add your friends back home constantly telling you they're having friends over or going to see friends or doing things or planning parties where 'everyone' goes. oh yeah, everyone minus you that is. tee hee. sorry? not at all. why would they be.

4- add a little SHITFUCK who you'd like to kick in the head of. what the shitfuck did was blow off all his friends in exchange for some pussy. after you had him promise not to do that when he and you started off being friends. naw, make the words 'i wouldn't do that' RING in your motherfucking ears. now make this shitfuck drag his ass all over the net commenting on friends works and journals. so whenever you read them, you're not only pissed, you're HURT because a nice big FUCKED UP wound from a long time ago gets dragged the fuck open. it's great to suddenly be smacked in the face with blind homicidal rage. i mean really. that's fucking fantastic for your stability during the day.

5- add the DRUGS. i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me anyone? can't concentrate in school on these fuckers, but start feeling sick without them. midterms sprung on you cause with these fuckers you were too stoned to hear them coming.

depression? oh you better motherfucking believe it. i can SMELL it on me. it stinks out through your skin like laundry that's been mouldering in a drawer for years. i can feel it fucking around with my heart and making it hurt like hasn't fucking happened since high school.

so get avoidant? i'd rather do that than constantly have my face slammed into asphault right now. i'm angry, i'm volitile, i react suddenly and seemingly unprovoked? boo fucking hoo asshole, you're probably the reason i'm doing it.