Posted

Sep 19th 2005

Mood

Dejected

Music

None.....

(Just a copy / paste of my recent LJ post.. for some reason I feel it's revelant to post it both places.)
(http://www.livejournal.com/users/wolfshadow)

I finally came to a resolution to my emotions and whimpery whiney mess that I have been.

It's become clear to me that our society is too centered on getting laid, and while this is a good thing for everybody else, I simply have been too abused and hurt to live this life and make it out emotionally in one peice. I can't even be flirted with without dipping into a deep depression that only gets worse with another day of work, and seeing that even New York's most retarded ghetto rats can find true love, yet I can not. There are women at relay whom I would consider "ew yuck", fatter, more chins than I'll have, dress like sluts, and are overall horrible people that brag about how many medications they have to take to deal with their mental issues, yet they can find people they clique with.

I'm not saying I can't clique with people, but for some reason I never even get the oppertunity to do so, either my own stupidity for not knowing how to handle a flirt, or not knowing when it IS a flirt, or simply having someone look at me as a free access port for their throbbing vein.

I'm just gonna do what I did in high school after Dad got at me. I am simply going to back out of any conversation with a male unless it is absolutely nessacary (considering I have the only male TL in the center this is a big rule I need to keep in mind with Ed.)... I don't know how to date, I can't tell when I should consider someone joking with me, or when it's an all out flirt, and I get depressed cause I can not get Melina to back the fuck off about certain people I know are not intrested and she seems to think they are. Bullshit.

Shop is closed. I'm not gonna look anymore. I'm not gonna worry about it anymore. I am destined to be like my mother in this respect. Someday I will be 46 sitting in a computer chair with a comp that's far more advanced than this one but it will suck ass compared to the rest, and I will be happy with my messy, squallored house, and my toys, and I will simply daydream and be happy with my own daydreams, and my games, and my animals.

In the end people have only managed to hurt me, annoy me. My material possessions can not do so. My animals trust me. I consider this enough. ..

The only thing that is gonna suck, is I am very much like my screen name, I am a wolf, therefore I am a social animal, and I hate being alone. I've been alone too long. But, alas, it looks like not even a neon sign screaming "LONELY SINGLE WOMAN HERE KTHAI" would save me. If I continue like I am now, however, I will only become more and more depressed as fellow workers and other operators hook up with each other, and I am still left alone, that will wear down more and more on my mentle state, which I fear is heading for a breakdown if I don't do something to pull out of this depressive rut I'm in. So if I close off the hope that it will happen, and stop looking for it, it will no longer effect me and how I feel. I will not have an incident at work like I did last week, so lonely and depressed thanks to my impending period that I was having to be EMTed for a few minutes to go recompose myself. That can NOT happen again. If it does, my mom will kill me, for it could cost me my job. My job loss = money out of Mom's pocket in her eyes, and therefore if I do anything to look bad to Relay right now, it could cost me my job in her eyes, which makes her bitch at me and gripe at me and the whole "Get tough!" shit.

In the end she's right. Even since 10th grade and opening up and dealing with the human race again because Mr. Barron was so nice to me, I'm closing back up cause I don't see many Mr. Barrons.. I see alot of Steves, Jordans, and Harleys, and alot of other nameless creeps that would only wanna use me due to the fact that I'm female, inexperianced, and desperate.

Me finding love again after Chris is not gonna happen, so I may as well not kid myself any longer, and stop daydreaming about finding it again.

Shop closed. Go get yer nookie elsewhere!!!!!