Posted

Jun 25th 2005

Mood

Discouraged

The more time goes by, the more I hear how much of a burden/freak that I am...

I also am trying out a new journal format. It's sorted in sections, and I can use some characters to show how I feel about certain issues:
+: Good
/: Indifferent
-: bad

General:
- Yesterday, I had a follow up appointment after my visit to the hospital (read previous journal for what I mean). Apparently, I'll keep making more stones until the doctors can figure out what's causing them. But that's not the worst part of it...

After hearing that from the doc, I came out feeling like a freak. When I do that, I basically shut down emotionally. Since I have no job, I have no health insurance, so my parents have to foot the bill. I had to call my dad in so he could make the payment, that's when things began to go down hill.

Dad asked what was wrong, and given my emotional state at the time, I didn't want to talk about it. He replied with "If you don't want to talk, I'm not going to pay."
He's had over 20 years to figure out what causes me to shut down like that...

Then, on the way home, he kept nagging me about the 2 other walk in appointments I had to do (X-ray and blood work). I really didn't want to do either, since he basically made me feel more like shit earlier, but we ended up going to a diagnostic center so I could get my blood drawn. Needless to say, I felt physically like crap (and almost passed out), after that as well.

Keep in mind, all of the above took place in a 3 hour time span.

- Later on, I went to a small family get-together at one of my aunts houses. True, get-togethers are supposed to be fun, but anyone who has had me around at any kind of gathering knows how I act. Looking around, I realized that I'm the black sheep of the family, never fitting in and never truly welcome.

- Both my copies of Limewire and OpenCanvas are broke. I know what's causing both of the problems, but OC is a catch 22, and Limewire requires a big download.

Art Related
+ I may have way to commission artists via PayPal, but I have to go thru a friend to do it, and I can't receive payments (if anyone ever wants to commish me)
- Huge art queue of character pics that I want to do, but gotta get trades done first.

DA Related:
+ Working on my contest entry for Darkrose2401, though I may not get done in time...
+ Got another idea for the trade with Sangragon, but I still can't get inspired for it.
- May have to disband from 2 of the clubs I'm in. One isn't active (I'm the only member it seems), and the other is just far to frustrating to submit artwork into.

SA Related:
/ Still wondering if I should stop posting.
/ Debating whether to commish TailsRulz

FA Related:
+ Apologized to an artist whom I noted and stopped watching for a very childish reason. I'm giving him another shot (which is rare, since I don't give very many second chances), and would like to commish him when he's accepting them again.
+When I can afford it, I plan on commissioning Le Eh for a couple of pics.
- Waiting for a reply from DPawers about coloring his art. I have one pic of his finished (his pic of Lemon), but am worried about posting it behind his back.
- Gotta get off my ass and finish my sketch for the rest of the trade with NachT.