late night thoughts.

do you ever just sit in the dark with your favorite song on repeat? you let it run for what seems like hours but maybe its only minutes. would you know which one it really is if you weren't watching the clock blinking on the window sill screaming at you that its only been two minutes? yet a billion concepts run through your head.

who are you right now? why are you here? why aren't you normal? what's normal? him? her? them? together? no.

why is it that when we're kids the dark scares us? because now i'm most comforted sitting on my red dog bed curled up with my body pillow in the pitch black. its like it won't get dark enough. theres a light from outside shinning in, close the curtains. the clock seems too bright, those four digits telling my fate is now brighter than the florida sun on a hot and sticky july day, cover it with a thick piece of paper. the laptops light is blinking screaming so much at you "come out of the daze" yet it's only there to tell you "hi i'm here working and if my light wasn't on you'd be screaming that i wasn't working", cover it with the blanket. somehow theres light, even though your reality says it's your eyes adjusting to the dark you're fighting hard to find the source of this dreaded light. the light hurts. it's reality. it's the world screaming that no matter how dark it is, your problems return with the light. i want to sit here and sing this song in my head like this for hours, give my heart a coffee break, set my mind on autopilot and just be "me" for a period of time.

every day each and everyone of us is selfish in our own ways. get the light to turn off. instead of thinking who am i effecting with my selfish ways of wanting to be alone int he dark for my own sanity. maybe someone on the other end of the ringing phone needs my help, my advice, my comfort i seem to bring to them, if any that is. maybe the person i chewed out at the door is now crying because i was the last stop on their train of insanity. but what gives that person the right to be selfish about their needs? what if they're shutting the door on someone else.

is there a such thing as truly unselfish? or is it just healthy at times? don't we need to look out for ourselves first and foremost? when did it stop being every man for himself and more of everyone find at least one person to be dependant on? why has it come to raising our kids and future generation to find other people to do things for them instead of doing it themselves? someone to cook for them, fast food; someone to clean up after them, house maids; someone to learn for them, tutors ( not the old fasioned ones, the ones who do the work for the kids instead ). where do we get off being so lazy?

i don't know how to properly cook; i can't get a wine stain out of a blouse; i can't clean a bathroom correctly ( only cosmetically ), spring cleaning is now something the maid does; my idea of doing the laundry is shoving everything in the washer and buying new clothes if something white comes out pink or if something was shrunken two sizes too small. no i'm not rich, it all goes on credit. food, cleaners, maids, clothes all on credit. debt. no wonder we think it's okay to have debt, surely our nation does. if it's okay for our leaders to cause debt then why can't we have it too? why are we so focused on being rich and not having to work? what happened to work hard and you'll surely be rewarded? to be a celebrity is to be chased by people stalking you. that doesn't make you special. you may be hot but how many surgeries have you had? wait a minute did you eat at all last month? to be a celebrity is to be so selfish with money you would put it into a house thats how big? and yet there are kids wanting to go to college but can't because they have no money. to be a celebrity is to be so selfish you need your dog to wear gucci and for what? is that dog going to say, "yay i have gucci?" no he's going to go piss in the backyard now.

fairy tales tell us to get married and live happily ever after. where was cinderella's boyfriends who beat her? where was her boyfriend that cheated on her with three other girls? where did prince charming get his herpies from? "go to school, go to college, find a husband/wife, buy stuff, have kids, work hard, retire, die" thats our lives. why isn't there more? why isn't there talk of the heartache? why isn't there preparation for the sickos in the world? why does everything have to be so unjust? so misleading? i'm not a satanist, i believe in god but i'm not uber christian, i'm a hard working college student at the age of 20 who has been through more heart wrenching situations than i'd wish on anyone. i don't mean breakups. i don't mean i don't have a gorgeous body, flashy car and clothes or trust fund of more than the cost of a small country. we all have problems. it's the way we deal with them that effects the world.