Internet Survival Guide

Internet Survival Guide

The Troll. The n00b. The Flamer. Three of the Internet’s most notorious attention whores. They arise unexpectedly, and uninvitingly, and then spread throughout once peaceful communities like venom. I’ve seen great forums crumble to dust by merely one flamer, I’ve seen strong-willed, independent people become the puppet of a troll, and I’ve seen so many annoyed by a mere n00b.

How did that happen? Simple: By innocent people like you playing along with their schemes.

But it doesn’t have to be. There is hope. You have the power to overcome these little scabs, which will dry up and easily picked off and flicked away once you understand how their malicious little minds work and outsmart them.

And it’s easier than trying to come up with an over-dramatic introduction like the one you just read.


THE TROLL

What is the Troll?

Different than the flesh-eating bridge-guarding monster you read in fairy tales, the Internet Troll preys on something different: Your comments.

The Troll can be compared to that obnoxious person who tags along uninvited (and unwanted), or a bully on a kindergarten playground. They like to think they know everything and rule through fear. Like pushing little kids to the ground, they’ll find out what pushes your buttons, and, well, push them. They’ll say things, ANYTHING, just to get a response (hopefully a clueless or defensive one) from you. Should you try to stand back up (that is, reply to their comments), they’ll just push you to the ground again. And they’ll have fun doing it as many times as you let them. Trolls are insufferable, and Netiquette is unknown to them.

Why do they do this? Well, like playground bullies, they are often insecure of themselves. They don’t want to be the ones getting hurt, so they do the hurting first. They’ll jump to the chance of making an insult out of what you say, even if it doesn’t make any sense. Becoming a troll is often the result of a need for power (or boredom).

They are also often hypocrites, and then deny it. As I said, they think they know everything. Should you put in your response, they’ll find something stupid about it and expose it like a zit on prom night, even if their face isn’t as smooth as a peach. And then they’ll admit that they never had zits, just a bad reaction with make-up or some other “WTF” excuse.

Why? They do it for an ego boost. Your comments help scratch their itchy, crusty backs. By putting other people down and parading about they fact that they “pwned” you, they get that sense of power that mostly only leaves others confused. But they don’t care, as long as they get that certain spot scratched. In other words, Trolls troll for themselves and will do whatever it takes, by whatever means needed, by whatever suffering they place upon others, for just another ride on their high horse.

How to deal with a Troll

Even if your comment isn’t directed at them or anyone in particular, they don’t care. Comments are comments and can be used as a stick to scratch their shriveling skin.

It is tempting, VERY tempting, to reply to a troll to defend yourself. A natural reaction, sure, but it’s what the trolls want. Trolls purposely say things to irk others. When you try to respond on yours (or another person’s) behalf, the troll doesn’t see it as “defense” they see it as weakness…and just another comment available for their ego itching. Even though you may think you’ll get rid of them by standing up for yourself, you probably won’t, because the Trolls are having too much fun when you tag along in their game that they’ll keep doing it, regardless of how senseless the conversation becomes. To a troll, anything you say CAN and WILL be turned against you.

So why should you give them that opportunity? As tempting as it is, the best way to deal with trolls is to not give them their stick that helps scratch their egos. In other words, IGNORE them. Let them have their say, their five minutes of fame as they triumphantly “pwn” you on their ego streak, but don’t reply to their comments. Delete them and move on with more rewarding things in your life. They’re not worth the trouble. Should trolling turn into full-blown bashing and harassment, report them. There’s no excuse for such behavior.



THE N00B

What is the N00B?

Rather harmless by nature, n00bs aren’t nearly as threatening as the Troll or the Flamer, but they can be annoying and clueless. They are somewhat of a mystery though, as often there really is no logical reason for the things they do.

They’re different than a Newbie. A Newbie is just a new person to a community. A n00b is someone who disregards any proper grammar on purpose, ignores any obvious rules, and never takes the time to reply with anything sensible. You can be a newbie without being a n00b.

On message boards, n00bs often flood intelligent community with threads such as “Werd Asociaton” and “da NAM GAM” or “1 w0rd Storey”, and other pointless things that waste a second or two of people’s time. They often fail to look beyond the first five threads to notice that these “games” are already posted (usually by other n00bs). They tend to post things in the wrong category as well, whether it is a submission or a thread.

N00bs are scared of big paragraphs, big words, rules, and manuals; hence they tend not to read things fully. They still reply though, but the reason is usually unclear. A meaningful, drawn out, well-organized conversation at a board will become flooded with one sentence “ZOMG OH NOES!11one!!” and “ROFLMAO DAT’S SOOO FUNII!!11!” after n00bs find their way there. They will ask questions that have already been asked or are openly available in a FAQs, and state things that have already been stated. Again, n00bs are a mystery.

N00bs also don’t regard spelling and language, and don’t so much type it as much as they chew it up, choke on it, and hack it out…or crunch in beneath their feet like leaves in autumn. It’s easier for them to type something like “how da FACK ded u do dat!?” than “Wow, that’s pretty. How did you do that?” or something even remotely English (or other language). To them, it’s more fun to make a bigger mess out of the language than use it cleanly. Again, as to why this is done, that remains unknown, as most n00bs have been through enough school to at least second grade. They also believe that numbers work as suitable replacements for letters, which resulted in the Internet language known as “l33t”.

A common trend popular with anime n00bs is to insert “Japanese” words into English sentences, such as “GOMEN EVERYONE” or “THAT IS SO KAWAII” or “YOU BAKA!!” or “NANI?!”, even if the n00b has never taken a Japanese class, or has any respect for the language to do so. Again, as to why they do it, as Japanese usually isn’t their native language (or even second language) it’s unknown…

My best guess is that it derives from either laziness, sleep deprivation, sugar, watching too much Teen Titans, or all of the above.

How to Deal with a n00b

The best way to deal with a n00b is to slowly nod your head up and down and give them an emoticon cookie or sundae. They’ll usually run off to another forum or bug someone else if you do that. Don’t stoop down to their grammatical level and respond in their language, or else they’ll think you’re one of them…and annoy you even more.

Still, there’s no reason to get mad at them. Yes, they’re annoying, but not harmful. Should it get out of hand, calmly tell them. (Personally they don’t even really annoy me so I just shrug and let them say what they want….and how they want it. I’ve been on the Internet so long I’m used to it…)


THE FLAMER

What is the Flamer?

Oh dear, the Flamer. Unlike the troll, who says things for a high-time ego boost, the Flamer says things out of pure HATE and ANGST and doesn’t hold anything back. Like an unforgiving forest fire, Flamers will take everything you hold high and proudly and burn it into ashes, making it seem as if it were better off if it didn’t exist.

No matter what you say, you’re going to rub someone the wrong way, thus erupting the Flamer within the innocent little lamp, who will reply with as much malice as possible in order to burn away your pride.

Some Flamers throw insults at innocent victims for no reason. They just stumble in, give you their hateful remarks, and stumble out like it never happened. Others stick around until they get bored because their victim isn’t twitching anymore from their burning insults. Still other Flamers arise from nowhere…even people who were once friendly and reasonable. All it takes is for a person to say, “Anime sucks” or “Furries suck” and a calm person can transform into a full-blown rage of spite and hate within 3.2 seconds. Such controversy is never healthy for a community.

Opinions are usually the twigs that the latter Flamers arise from. People are sensitive about certain things…their religion, their creative works, their preferred gaming console, their hair…and opposition to these beliefs stirs up sparks that eventually become the Flamers. Opinions are sometimes worded as “general comments”, something unknown to a Flamer. To a Flamer, opinionated comments are always specifically targeted at them and their beliefs. The stronger the opinion, the more the Flamer thinks the comment was meant for them. In turn, they give their “opinion”, which is usually sprinkled with insults, usually in the form of ALL CAPS. Flamers usually don’t quit after one round either, and won’t until they’ve got the last say. And thus the flame war beings.

It takes at least two people to have a flame war, but the more the merrier, so Flamers will try to make other Flamers anyway they can. Flame wars are like train wrecks…you can’t help but look. And some can’t help but participate. Even if your comment is sensible, Flamers are so caught up in proving themselves right that anything you say against them will be picked apart and burnt.

How to deal with a Flamer

If a Flamer makes a personal attack against you, don’t get caught up in the fire. Report it. There’s no need for such behavior.

Forum flame wars will usually spread until a moderator or administrator comes and locks the thread. The best thing to do is to avoid these places. If someone states an opinion you don’t agree with, agree to disagree and move on. And since a little thinking never hurt anyone, try not to say anything in such a manner that it could invoke a flame war. Certainly you don’t want to become a Flamer, do you?




SOME LAST WORDS OF ADVICE

So how do you avoid these three Internet monsters altogether? Well, not logging onto the Internet is the best thing to do. But if you’re like me and have your social life glued to it, that’s probably not the best option for you.

Chances are, you won’t be able to avoid any of them, especially if you go to a forum or other large community. You CAN, however, be better than them.

First off, simply don’t associate yourself with them! Don’t go to places where you know they hang out, or to places you know you’ll be insulted and tempted to do something mean.

Secondly, IGNORE them. Why give them what they want (your attention)?

Thirdly, find new people to talk with. There are PLENTY of nice people on the Internet. Find them (it’s not hard!) and get to know them. Why waste time with people who don’t like you?

Lastly, DON’T BECOME ONE YOURSELF. Expressing yourself with hate is the worst thing you could do to yourself, and certainly doesn’t make you attractive to others (‘cept maybe other Trolls, n00bs, and Flamers, but if that’s true for you I guess you just wasted your time reading this, huh?)