Fall and Sun

by Hitaru Higakura

in Poetry

Fall and Sun

the autumn wind sweeps the leaves
the streets are still damp with rain
the air is crisp and cold, and my jacket feels thin
as i walk home listening to a song
the sun is in my eyes and on my face
and i remember my younger years--
then i suddenly hear another song
one that none else can hear
the sweet song of nostalgia

and suddenly--
you stand before me
i am speechless
dumbfounded and in love
i am young again
and time is no longer and obstacle

but you're no longer here
and you no longer think of me
we both live our lives carelessly
i wish you would remember me
all the devotion and determination that i was
but i am no longer, i have changed
and so have you
what is your name?

Description

Sep 16th 2009
Tags:
fall friend old sun
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Originally named Remembralgia. But that sounded a little silly, so I gave it a new title.

Thoughts about an old friend I don't talk to anymore. We're always on good terms, we just... don't really speak to each other. Conflict of schedules, perhaps.

Again, no capitalization. But I may change that soon enough; it's a bit confusing without proper punctuation. Your imput?

Comments

Noburu Says:

I really like how it ends!
I'd put in 'as' before the "I walk home listening to a song", because otherwise the flow gets a little jostled, to me. Also, an em dash at the end of the 'younger years' line, to indicate a transition to a new thought. Again, this helps direct flow. You could possibly take out the "it is" at the beginning of the nostalgia line, too.

I'm not sure what purpose you had in inverting the word order for the 'as you stand before me'... Perhaps you could alter it so it's "Suddenly you stand before me / i am speechless, dumbfounded and in love", just to arrange these things by concepts (event / emotion).

I like the last stanza a lot. Hah

1 Reply

pur plec loud Says:

The first stanza sets up a whole scene that I can feel and imagine. Vuuuury nice.

I don't think the capitalization/punctuation (or lack of, lol) hinders it. Look at e.e. cumming's work. I mean, you can work it to your advantage :3.

I think you should take out the "it is" in the line "it is the sweet song..." and just leave it "the sweet song of nostalgia." The "it is" kind of tripped me up when I read it.

1 Reply

squidgy purple blob Says:

i think a lot of people could relate to this. especially the last stanza, which struck me quite a bit. :3

1 Reply

hyperactiveice Says:

So~

I read the poem this morning before I left for school and I liked it.

I'm pretty sure it seems different than when I read it earlier? Edited?


Umm... the last stanza. Is amazing for lack of a better word for description at this moment.

I'm not getting into this but there's a situation with me that is really close to getting to the last stanza's point.

You seriously startled me into realizing this.

: ) I thank you muchly my friend.

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