Asshole week

Asshole week

This week has been what I like to call it asshole week. I had to deal with a new asshole everyday and it's making my situation worse and worse and today was with the ultimate asshole. I won't even give this asshole the decency of revealing his name and I will be calling him asshole. I should be trying to get on my English teacher's good side by doing my missing work, but instead I'm typing this journal. My English Teacher was right when she said this school feels like a jail to me. Well, school has always been jail, I could even go as far as to say my life has been a jail, but my personality, my art, my sense of humor, imagination and friends provides me with freedom and what little I know about.

The reason why I am typing this journal is to inform everyone that I'm going to be behind on my comics because I have to get out of my own little world and face the problems that will determine my future. Everyone tells me the same thing. How I'm going downhill, head first, diving, building myself for a fall, every single analogy to describe failure. Yet I don't feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do and that is to draw, entertain, tell stories, try to do my best to make everyone happy knowing all too well that you can't make everyone happy, but I have nothing to prove to the people who hate. I am kind because I want to be, ultimately, the only one I have to prove is myself.

I've been eating less and less. I don't feel like eating anymore as much as I used to. I don't think its depression. I still manage to crack jokes at every opportunity that presents itself and I make a fool of my self, wearing the mask, making everyone think I'm an idiot. I also mask my lack of eating with a diet. My friends know better, or at least I hope they do. I've been stealing more shit. Videogames, movies, mangas, comic books, food, you name it. I've given some of the stuff away. I've made 40$ from selling movies. I used the money to treat my best friend Jeanette to a meal as well as my own. Yesterday was the most I ate in a while. I know I'm not gonna eat like that for another while.

I give, give, give and I get nothing back. When I feel shitty, I give more. I reward the world and I get pain in return. I think I might be masochistic… I think I might be a sadist as well, but a very conditional one, but to explain that will take me too long. This journal is getting long enough and I haven't even begun to explain why this day is so shitty and what the ultimate asshole did. I've had this poem in my head throughout asshole week. I might also make it a separate submission into my galleries.

Pain does not work on me
I am already in pain
I can't be in anymore pain
Than I already am
So what are you waiting for?
Hurt me!

I don't know if making the last line an exclamation was the best thing to do… in a poem that is, but that's what was going on in my head. This poem also reminds me of "Master of Puppets" by Metalicca. The lyrics of that song, is also how I feel as well. I might even draw about my poem. Make it more powerful with graphic images.

So now. You guys may know this asshole if you have read my journals on another account, which are no longer public or even there. This is the same asshole who I insulted about his big silver car and how he was compensating for something. We were in the computer lab working on our sep. This asshole was sitting behind me and he was also very distracting. I somehow managed to be impressively productive, because I was sitting next to the smartest kid in the class who received a 100% on his outline and he was researching animation, very, very similar to my topic, comic books and mangas, almost the same because I was also researching Hayao Miyazaki and Walt Disney, who are animators. Not only did he help me with my intro, but we had a heated conversation about our research and what we have learned. We also laughed about how much we hate 4-kids. Near the end of class was when the asshole burst into laughter with his pot head friends and said my last name. When I turned around, he and his friends were tight lipped silent. There was a silence between us, but I felt the unnerving gut feeling to not turn away and let him get away with this, in that blood boiling moment.

"Do you have something to say to me?"

I said confidently with a "doesn't take crap from anybody" tone and that slight ghetto accent I told you guys about in my voice meme, if anyone bothered to listen. He let out a quick, nervous laugh, but then he asserted himself. I forgot what he said. I know his other stupid ass friend said "burn it!" as if I was a major pot head. I talked him down too."Shut up! I don't even burn it as much as you! You should have stayed home!" and then I went back to the asshole. "And you! Driving around in your big ass white car and compensating for something!" He tried to make me look stupid by pretending he didn't hear what I said. "What? Big car? What? Compensating?" I started up my mean laughter and repeated myself. "You heard me! Remember that time you drove by in that big ass car and I asked you if you were compensating something? Gay ass mother fucker." Then I got his attention. "It's silver! And it's not a big car." He was fucking correcting me. That spoiled brat must have had more than one car, but I know what I saw, he was driving around in that big car. "Gay ass with your small dick. You hella burn it too, that's why your always absent from class. It was real quiet when you weren't around, it was better that way. You all shouldn't be here." I was taking both of them on. "Oh you're real funny." He said. Now the next part, wasn't my best comebacks. I was talking about how I get confused for a guy and how he hit on me at the gay bar in San Francisco. That killed me, but it didn't matter because I don't think too many people were paying attention and I got him way too pissed off with the gay comments. I'm actually starting to think he's gay if he gets pissed off about how I call him gay, but I don't know how guys really think when they're called gay and if they really do get that pissed off, but I think if a guy really isn't gay, he wouldn't get THAT pissed off about gay insults that don't apply to him.

Eventually, the English Teacher broke us up and then she scolded us about how we were acting like kids and she would have never expecting seniors to engage in these arguments in class and this isn't the first time this has happened and that she's sick of it and she's going to have to let one of us go. The last thing the asshole said was "Yeah, you can let her go, I have a better grade." Then he left. I looked at the English Teacher and I said "Look, this guy is always talking shit behind your back, I don't think you wanna keep him." That killed me. I should have kept that to myself, but I was still in the moment. There's this other guy, who I won't name, but I've suspected that he likes me for a while. Now, there's a ton of guys at school who like me, but what makes this guy different is that… he might be a rich white guy. I'm not completely sure about the rich part, but I know he's richer than the other guys who want me and he has to have some money circulating if he's well educated about philosophy. In my experience, any guy who talks about philosophy or has a thought process that sounds philosophical are fucking loaded up the ass. You guy's are probably thinking "Wow Mineoke, you're shady going for guy just for his money." And to those people I say fuck you. I'm actually not that heartless, I happen to have unconditional love and I hope I will be able to find someone with the same love, but for the time being, until I'm probably 25 or 26, I'm going to take what I can get. The world runs on money, in life, you gotta play dirty or you'll get hurt.

So this guy, he's tall, which is a plus, about 6'1, a 6 feet even. That's tall compared to my school and I'm still my short 5'3, so it works out. His face is tolerable, devoid of acne, clearly of Italian decent with black hair, a little thick, short with slight curls in his locks, but not quiet curly hair. His pretty lanky and skinny, but if he stands up straight, he doesn't look weak. Luckily, his condescending personality does that for him. My first impression of him was that he's an asshole, plus he frequently talks to the asshole, but now not as much. On Wednesday when I asked him to tell me about the book for our quiz, the book which he had happen to read 3 times over, he told me in detail like spark notes on vocal. A little over halfway through the explanation, I think he got nervous because he stuttered "Why are you staring straight at me?" It was actually kind of cute. I wanted to milk the info out of him so I replied sweetly with a smile "B-because, I'm listening intently. Heheh." He was smitten, so he resumed. Today, after the argument between me and the asshole, I was trying to explain myself to the English teacher, failing to improve my situation, then that guy stepped forward and said "Actually, that guy said some pretty insensitive things." And that was the killer. That's how I knew the guy liked me.

I've been typing this journal throughout the day at school. I have figured out that he lives in an apartment complex so that doesn't sound like money, but then again, he could be just money in disguise. I stayed at my uncle's apartment in Paris when I got kicked out of a French boarding school in Normandy and he's a pianist (keyboardist) in a well known Reggae band around the world and I think he has 5 mansions. Why the hell he lives in that apartment is beyond me, I think he has an emotional attachment to it and he stays undercover from the paparazzi, but then again, it's a French custom in Paris not to ogle and harass the celebrities. That's why there's a shit load of celebrities in Paris. My point is I wasn't very enthused. I'm still gonna see if I can get some answers to quizzes or tests. He's hella smart.

Also, I returned to the English teacher at lunch accompanied by another teacher. The other teacher is a short, stereotypical black woman of about 5 feet even. She's stout and fat to say the least, she's all about the civil rights movement way up the ass, Obama is her hero, she sounds like a preacher in an all black church, she occasionally says "Sweet Jesus!" at the beginning or end of her sentences. She furiously wanted to help me in whatever problems I have, she wants me to open up to her and she thinks I'm too smart for online classes. She's a really good person and she has her heart the right place, but she just acts like she understands everything when she doesn't, but at least she's nice. I finally put her to use. She was so ecstatic when I finally "opened" up to her, so she helped me out to be there for me. The English Teacher was happy that I came during lunch to clear things up, but that she still can't have me in the same classroom as the asshole because it's getting to the point where it's dangerous. She said I threatened to rip the assholes head off, but I could've sworn I said I was going to plant that folding chair into his face; it was right next to me to leaning on the wall readily. I either said it or I thought it. So, I'll either stay in that English Teacher's class, or I'll go to another one, depending on the flexibility of my schedule. I hope I don't get changed or else the asshole will get the wrong idea and he will think he have won because of his better grade, thus inflating his ego needlessly. Plus, that guy who likes me is in the same class and I won't be able to use him for little answers or whatever is in his potential. Regardless, I will have the same result and that is I'm going to have to finish all my work by the end of this month if I have any chance of graduation.

I'm almost done with one comic and I'm inking out the comic after that one. I might be able to do that, but then I will have to concentrate on my work. I hope everyone understands. I would also like to point out that yes, I do sound like a bitch the way I use people and to those people who think so, fuck you, yet again. People use me all the time and see my kindness as a weakness only to be disturbed to realize I'm nice because I want to be and I do whatever the hell I want. I don't care if people use me, therefore I shouldn't care if I use people. If the people who are being used care, fuck them. They used me too and if they didn't use me, they're stupid.