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Dance of Mask and Phoenix
I feel so worthless.
My thoughts tell me that I've gotten all I deserve,
this lonely empty feeling I hide behind a cheerful indifferent mask is getting stronger.
My body feels numb.
How could this have happened?
How could he say those painful words?
Did he ever love me at all? Or was I just a bandage?
Something to make the loneliness go away?
The pain in my chest is spreading to my body,
I feel like I'm on fire, and it's anguishing my soul.
The tears flow down my cheeks freely,
I desperately try to pull myself together before I lose myself to the pain.
"I don't love him anyway," Lies.
"I deserve better." I deserve nothing.
"I don't need him." He was all my heart had.
I gave him all of me, what do I have left? How can I rebuild myself from nothing?
This kind of love doesn't disappear with just those few, unspeakable words.
How many times did he promise me he would never speak such things?
That he would never cause me this pain?
That if he did, he would come flying back to me?
How could he just walk away and expect me to change in an instant?
To forget his promises, to forget my hopes and dreams for the future?
Didn't he know how much I would suffer, to be lead on with vain hope?
How could he say such lies and cut me so deeply?
What's worse, he claims to still "care" for me, I know he doesn't.
I'm met with avoidance, silence.
He's so cold to me, not like we used to be.
Does he hate me?
He says he doesn't. Then why does he treat me like this?
I don't know why, or how my radiant lover has changed into this uncaring machine.
If it was my fault for this, I deserve only death.
My lover was strong, and caring.
I used to feel like my brokenness didn't matter to him,
that he loved me despite my faults.
Maybe I was a fool,
lead on by blind love for someone who I could believe in,
Who could make me feel human again.
I would have done anything for him,
I wanted to serve him for the rest of my life,
maybe even beyond my life.
To him I gave my first, and possibly last act of love.
If he had said the word,
I would have taken my life.
Things I didn't wish to do, I did for his sake.
Perhaps I was just a project to him,
someone easy to manipulate,
to become more like him.
Maybe when I showed my reluctance to bend,
a will of my own,
he grew bored of me.
I can't trust him any more, after so many promises broken.
After all this pain has been inflicted on my dead heart,
how am I still living?
I feel used...
I feel worthless...
I feel like an unlovable monster.
I don't want to open up again.
I don't want to give what I don't have.
The pain is stronger than ever now,
like fire burning me from the inside out.
I wear a mask and dance for his sake,
and for the sake of my friends.
I pretend to be alright,
but I'm not.
I can't bring myself to hurt him,
to disappear, even though he has.
Every time I see him,
the fire spreads a little farther.
I feel a little more dead.
Maybe I'll turn to ash,
blow away with the wind never to be seen again.
I would like that.
Perhaps though,
if myths are true,
a phoenix will be born from these ashes.
Could I hope for something so lovely to be born from this anguish?
What will happen to this husk of a soul if it does?
Will the phoenix still love him,
even when all we had is gone?
Can I hope for this phoenix to be lovable?
To be worth his affections?
Will it even matter?
Will it be smothered before it's even born?
What do I really want?
I want to be loved,
I want to be respected,
I want to be the jewel in a long hard day.
I want to be desired,
feel like I'm wanted,
and not just a toy, a distraction, a pet.
I want devotion,
I want to be able to trust again.
I want to believe in promises kept.
I want to be needed,
to be something to be proud of.
I want to belong again.
I want to be held,
to be forgiven, to be trusted.
But do I deserve that?
Probably not.
Definitely not.
I put my mask back on, it's time to dance again.
To act, to pretend this never happened,
that I haven't lost my will to love, and to live.
Maybe one day the phoenix will awaken,
and will be able to shed this mask and be real.
Not have to pretend anymore.
I really hope so.
Until then, this mask is all I have.
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