"New Valve"

“New Valve”
By George Gonzalez

Out of all of my latest material that has been released this year and late last year, this is the first drawing (of what I am sure will be many) that is about my heart attack back in late September of 2007. “New Valve” represents a lot of how I felt during the months of October and November. The heart attack, as well as the events leading up to it and recovering from it, was one of the most enduring experiences of my life.

I have had heart, bone, and over all heath problems all my life, but what happened during the fall of 2007 was a grueling, exhausting, and a very demanding test; not just physically, but mentally. It seemed as if everything that went on the past 3 years of my life was a just a preparation for what was going to eventually happen. I don’t think I’ve been in a very healthy state of mind for a really long time and the mistake I made to somebody I really cared about was the final trigger that set all this insanity into full force.

I can not begin to tell you the experience and state of mind in which I was in during it all. I honestly did not want to live the emergency surgery that was done. I was flown from one hospital in Laredo to one in San Antonio where lots and lots of doctors focused strictly on me. I slept for about 6 hours in total for 2 and a half weeks. I was under a lot of medications. Painkillers. Nights spent hurting, uncomfortable, miserable, and left alone with my insomnia, depression, and paranoia. I spent nights crying about everything that happened, and everything I did. My body was once again destroyed with scars and burns. Needles puncturing my arms and hands every 4 hours.

I felt as if I lost everything. I lost my best friend. I despised my mother. I lost all my friends.

..and above all, I loathed myself.

How was I suppose to recover when I wanted to do the exact opposite?

“New Valve” will undoubtedly be the first of many drawings about this period since this was a very personal and enduring moment in my life. During this time, many ideas were thought up and my damp depression and exhausted mind were at work penning my neurosis onto paper in hopes that maybe one day, I will make sense of all this mess.

Notes: Despite the doctors replacing two heart valves (the ascending aortic valve and the mitral valve), I decided to name this drawing “New Valve” as oppose to “New Valves” only because I like the way it sounds not being pluralized. Also, you can see an early version of this drawing in the poster for my poem, “Vicodin Blues.” Anyway, those are my little factoids on that..

Originally finished June 16th, 2008

Drawing © George Gonzalez