The Constant Inner Struggle

The Constant Inner Struggle

The stars seemed so dull in the heavens that night, as I sat there, pondering with questions about what should be done… This is the thousandth time this week that I’ve sat here in the corners of my mind, wondering what I should do. The cold scrapped across my cheeks, stinging them by the bitter cold of the night. I looked up to the sky and called out, hoping someone would hear me, that there would be some answer to my years of pain. But I heard nothing, just the wind whispering through the trees.

Again, no answer this night… Well at least not the answer I wanted to hear. Though there was no answer from the Heavens, there was however an answer from deep inside of me. It wrapped its talons around my head and perched on my shoulders, crushing me beneath its weight. “You could always put an end to this, you know?”

By “put an end to this” I knew the bird meant, put an end to your life, because I had heard it from its foul mouth many times over.

But this raven, this bird, it didn’t always show its form to me as a bird of flight, sometimes it would appear as mischievous feline, sometimes it would take the form of a man who was once close to my heart, other times it would merely be a shadow casting on the wall, and sometimes it would become my reflection, the other half of me. And that form terrified me the most.

I would call out for help to escape this raven, but it had no physical form for it to be seen by, it was from the spiritual realm, unable to be seen by anyone but me, unable to haunt and tourment anyone but me.

I’d vainly flap my hands at it, attempting to push it away “Get away from me, you tourturous vermin!”

It’d cackle at me. Seeing how foolish I could be and then perch itself back on my shoulders, lifting its head high, with pride it would claim me as its own, and I would drop my head in defeat.

“Perhaps it would be better to put an end to this, maybe I could take you with me to hell. So you would never be able to feast upon a soul again.” I breathed out as my toes began to go numb.

It said nothing at that point, the only sign of emotion that could be seen on that bird was a large, twisted, almost demonic grin coiled in its beak and its eyes glinted red, waiting for me to admit my defeat and surrender myself to death.

I mulled the thought over, seriously considering it, it seemed like the best idea I had in a long time. I almost leapt forward with the thought, but something grabbed my hand, holding me back. It was warm and seemed almost desperate with its grasp, as if something really wanted me to stay, to not give up to this devilish bird. I turned around to see the face that was holding me back, but all I hear was a soft voice saying to me “Do not fall prey to its lies, it will corrupt you through and through. You don’t want to go back to that world of darkness, do you?”

I shook my head desperately and felt a warmth surround me, as if it was a tight embrace “Then don’t give up…”

“I won’t, I promise…” I told the voice.

The bird cackled under its breath and began to vanish; cawing to itself “You may make that promise now, but how long will that warmth stay clung to you. Soon you will fall back into darkness again, and I will be there waiting for you, to devour you whole.”

It vanished into the night, but I knew it would be back, and I couldn’t help but fear if there would be a hand to pull me back next time once I start to slip.