Another Life Gone: Revision

Shhhh...
Another life gone.

Tick, tock, tick, tock
The needles on the wall
Tick, tock, tick, tock
No life spared, big or small

Tick, tick, tick, tick,
Claws tapping on the floor
The jangle of a leash and tags
Another victim, through the door

Tick, tock,
Tick, tock
The reaper glances at the clock
"Shhh," he says, "No time to tock."

Shhhh...
Another life gone.

Tick, tock,
Tick, tock
Another grim parade
Of minutes marching past in hours
Watching more eyes fade

Tick, tock,
Tick, tock
The shhh of the syringe
Tick of needles on the floor
Another victim in

Mournful eyes turn their gaze up
At the one who once cured their hurts
Then they turn to look at you
The hypocrite, whose coat has turned

Then on the table, steel hard stage
Blinking in a cold spotlight
Time for their fifteen minutes of fame
Their time has come, their time to die

Shhhhhhh...

A needle under skin
Icy fluids, spreading fingers
Spreading, growing, growing cold
Till you can no longer linger

Eyes cloud white
And lids slip down
The limelight slips away
Another heart, its beating stilled
Without justice, without pain

Shhhh...
Another life has gone away.

Twitch and shudder, all falls still
Time has come and gone
Another furry body chilled
Our clock's become a bomb

Tick, tock, tick, tock
Hush, you'll wake the dead
Shh, shh, shh, shh
Too much left unsaid

What goes on, outside these walls?
This place where needles murmur
We go about society
A society of murder

Shhhh...
Another life gone.

How long, has it gone on?
Without knowing that it's wrong?
The heartless passing of a life
That stayed with you, through joy, through strife?

Tick, tock, says the clock
Its face long turned away
No more, it says, of watching this
Of watching death on endless replay

Tick, tock, silences

Tick, tock, innocence

Tick, tock, heartlessness

Tick,
Tock,
Tick,
Tock,

Shhhh...
Another life gone.

> Another Life Gone

Description

Aug 29th 2007

Tags:: angst another away cold dark and horror dead death dying free verse general gone guilt hard heartless hospital human nature hypcorite life life limelight limerick philosophical sensual shadow shame society stage steel syringe traitor turncoat vet wasted
Views:: 196
Comments:: 8
Score:: 8
Favorites:: 5

This is the revision of my original poem, Another Life Gone, as you can see from the title.
I decided to take WildBlueSun's very wise advice--I don't remember if I asked for critique in the descrip on the original poem, but I have asked before and I do need it--and I did my best to revise it. I changed some words, cut out a verse or two without any real relevance to the actual theme of the rest of the poem, and did my best to purge it of unneeded repetition. However, I did try to leave most of it in there as well, because the repetition is meant to be an actual part of it, a steady turnaround, you might say, the same way a hammer repeatedly hits something. But I did crop it out where it was in the way of the flow.
I hope you all give your honest opinion as much as you did on the first, and I do honestly hope you like this one better. To be frank, I thought the last one was a little too long and repetetive as well.
NOW that I'm done repeating myself, enjoy.

*EDIT* AHHHHHHH FRONT PAGE A SECOND TIME???!! FOR THE SAME WORK??!!! AHHHHH!!!
Then again, people don't usually actually pay attention to writing on here, so I'm sure it's some fluke o.o
BUT FRONT PAGE AAAAAHHHHH! *shot*

Comments

LunarRafter2 Says:

win

LunarRafter2 Says:

FRONT PAGE AGIAN DAMN!

WildBlueSun Says:

Much improved. It had much more emotional impact, and I felt the story shine through more (I heard the sequence of walking in - lying on table - given injection - dying this time round, whereas before it got lost). The use of italics is very good, as well.

OK, that's enough praise-smothering.